Balls On A Bicycle Seat

This is not just a horrible mental image, it’s also my future… well, sort of.

You see, we here in the Northwest (Portland & Seattle specifically) have joined in the wild and crazy event called the World Naked Bike Ride! And, yes, it’s exactly as it sounds; naked (or near-naked, the official motto is “As bare as you dare”) people riding bicycles! It’s all to promote riding bikes, reducing pollution, and having fun! And it really is an amazing thing to see. This year it’s taking place on June 19th!!!

In Portland, the first official ride was 2004 with just a handful of people, but it’s grown every year. In 2007 there were 800 riders, 2008 saw 2000, and last year we had 5000 riders! This year the expectation is near 10,000!!! That’s a lot of skin, let me tell you! It’s an amazing thing to watch thousands of nearly naked people riding through the streets of downtown Portland, stopping traffic, with hundreds of spectators lining the route!

Last year I just watched and took pictures, but this year I’m taking part! (Thanks for the bike, Dad!)

That’s right, I’m going to be riding, nearly-naked (I fear chaffing and pinching, not showing the goods), with thousands of other like-minded (and less dressed) people!

What am I wearing? Well, I haven’t bought it yet, but…

Shoes
Socks
Helmet
Neon-Pink Thong
Pink Tutu
Pink Fairy Wings
and a Wand (No, not like that! A real fake-wand, that I will carry in my hand!)

What’s the theme?

I’m going to be a “Hairy” Godmother!

My real concern is, do you think the chicks will dig it?

Would you talk to a “Hairy” Godmother?

Why do I feel like I’m going to attract suitors, not senoritas?

Maybe I should re-think the outfit…

Still single, and worried I may be attracting the wrong crowd,

Scott

P.S. if you want to join in, here’s a couple links to find out more!

http://www.worldnakedbikeride.org/
http://www.shift2bikes.org/wnbr/min.php
http://wiki.worldnakedbikeride.org/index.php?title=Portland

Women Are Not Just Sex Objects!!!

I know this to be true! For my mother told me so!

However, having only had the chance to partake in the glory that is the “non-sexual” woman lately, I must say that I’m… getting tired of it.

I want to ogle naked boobies! I want to indulge in the sins that made me! I want a sex object! I have needs ya…

Hey! Look at that! The girl from The Big Bang Theory is on the cover of Maxim! And she’s not wearing very much!

Kaley Cuoco From Maxim Cover

Maxim Cover Shot of Kaley!!!

Hmmm…

Never mind. I’m good now.

Still single and a steadfast champion of women and their right to be more then just sex objects… for all but 15 minutes of every day!

Scott

A Big Heart Gets No Love

I think there’s something sincerely wrong with me.

I’m nice. Too nice.

And I care too much.

And it freaks girls out.

That’s right. It freaks the ladies out. So instead of doing what I want to do, which is help, I keep my help to myself. And it eats at me and eats at me.

Why do I worry about people I don’t even really know?

I don’t worry about myself? So why did I drive around tonight looking for a worry stone for someone I barely know? For a worry that she wouldn’t even tell me the cause of? For help that I won’t end up giving because I don’t want to freak her out?

Why do I worry about my friends? Will she get pregnant? Will she find happiness with the new guy? Has he finally found the one?

What the hell’s wrong with me? And how do I change it?

And don’t you dare tell me that women really want a guy like me. That’s bullshit! And you know it!

Still single, and steadily drinking myself into a Friday-night-oblivion,

Scott

I’m In Love With A Girl That Doesn’t Exist

It’s true. I’m in love with a girl that doesn’t exist. I don’t even know her name. Actually, she doesn’t have a name because she lives in my head. I don’t even really know what she looks like. Sometimes I think she looks like Zooey Deschanel. But most of the time she’s kinda of a blur.

Mostly I know that she doesn’t like all of the same things I do, thinks different from me, and makes me laugh. I like her because she’s “real” with me.

Yeah, I’m in love with a fantasy of a girl that gets pissed at me and tells me no!

I guess I’m kind of a realist when it comes to fantasy (at least the kind of fantasy I can freely divulge on this blog). I think I know why though. I think it’s because deep down, at the core of it all, I’m a desperately practical man. As much crap as I talk, as crazy as I’m able to think, deep down I analyze the situation and take the safe, easy route. The one that won’t land me in jail. The one that won’t rape my wallet. The one that won’t make me look attractive to the kind of girls I really (think I) want to meet.

God I have a lot to change…

Well, my rum and coke is empty, so I guess I’ll stop there.

Is this a good post? I guess I don’t care. I have rum to drink and girls in bikinis in tropical Mexico to watch.

Oh,  and the whole “changing the inner-me” stuff to work on.

Still single and sitting alone in a hotel room drinking rum and thinking about life, my core being, and girls in bikinis,

Scott

[FYI Context Update: As of 1:42 am the author would like to note that a 750 ml bottle of Tommy Bahama (yes, of the Hawaiian Shirt variety) Rum that was 1/4 empty prior to the nights events is now standing at 3/4 empty! Yes, I drank half the bottle tonight! Oops! Scott]

What Gives?

I don’t know about the rest of you, but what the hell happened to my other bloggers???

Still single and now alone in this mad, mad world,

Scott

Be Quiet. Be Vewy, Vewy, Quiet. [UPDATE]

Yep, I did it again! I went on another date. This time, it was a blind date. She is a friend of a friends partner. We all (me, my friend from work, her partner, and my date) went to a comedy club last friday.

She was gorgeous!!!

I was quiet…

She has a 5 month old daughter!!!

That doesn’t bother me at all, but I didn’t tell her that…

She ordered the same drink I did!!!

But I didn’t make a single comment about it…

She got really mad about a drunk guy that kept running into me!!!

But I don’t believe in arguing with the drunk and stupid, so I didn’t make a sound…

She works in IT, like me!!!

But I didn’t ask a single question…

She later told my friend and her partner that I was very quiet!!!

And suddenly I sent off about 4 BILLION text messages to that friend about how lame I was and that she should really send the girl my person contact information!!!

And my friend sent off the information!!!!

But I haven’t heard a word…

Still single, and just realized that Elmer Fudd was talking about hunting, not dating.

Scott

[UPDATE] While I still haven’t heard from her personally, I have heard from my friend that she enjoyed the date and wishes I hadn’t been so quiet. She’s looking forward to date #2!

Which, by the way, at this point looks to be another double date in mid December. What are we doing? Going to a strip club!!!!

I sure do live an odd singles life!!!!

Scott

Pre-Holiday Advice Column Letter

So, guilt-ridden, I popped in today and realized I’m not the only one who’s let her blogging slide (hint, hint). Not that there aren’t reasons… I’ve been busy working hard at the job I hate and will soon quit.  The very same job that traps me in Kafka-esque situations, of late, such as having to take entrance exams, the ones that were waived when I started working, before I’m allowed to quit (it seems I have to pass, too, although I’m sure that if they don0t let me quit because of this, they’ll fire me when I stop showing up).

But on to the subject at hand…

Dear Scott, Chrissey,

I don’t know if other single people will concur, but I find the upcoming holiday season particularly difficult to deal with… Not, as some will think, because I feel lonely. I don’t. Really. I like my life. A partner would be a good thing, but it’s not something I feel I’m missing right now. I just have a very hard time dealing with all the family gatherings, especially when it comes to extended family. I love spending time with my close family, those who know me and know that I like my life, but there’s nothing more harrowing than one “happily” married mother of four after another asking when I plan to get married, whether I’ve realized that I’m not getting any younger,, and why that delightful (abusive, but they don’t know that) boyfriend of a while back and I didn’t get married. This year, I’ve actually considered buying my ticket to London for December 23rd (only my mother might feel hurt) and spending Christmas alone in a new city.

This situation, by the way, is by no means new… Last year, I went to the gathering, but I was high as a kite for the duration. The year before, I feigned a cold, and the year before that, I planned a trip so that I could be at the gathering of my mother’s side (Dec. 24), but not my father’s (Dec. 25). My father is beginning to suspect I have problems with his side of the family (duh).

How do you guys deal with family? Do you even have to deal with family in relation to these issues?

Sincerely, Tired of the Questions