Craigslist… You Haunt Me

Seriously, why do you exist, Craigslist?

Why do you taunt me with meaningless sex when you know it’s not what I really want?

Why do I continue to believe that maybe, just maybe, there’s a girl out there looking for love in the casual encounters section?

Why?

Damn you Craigslist!

Damn you to hell!

Still single, bored, and lonely,

Scott

2010 WNBR Portland Photos — Warning! SINSFTS (Some Images Not Safe For The Sighted)

OK, so I said I would post photos…

I may regret this…

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Of course, you might regret that too…

Still single and completely laying the blame on the damn sun and Burger King!

Scott

Sunny-Side Up

As I posted earlier, I’m planning on doing this World Naked Bike Ride. Well, it dawned on me yesterday (while at the bar preaching on the virtues of riding a bicycle naked) that I was lacking color on much of that that would be on display during the ride. In other words, the only thing distinguishing my torso from a snow field was chest hair!

Well, me being the brilliant man that I am, I thought I would take advantage of the 85 degree weather to get some color! Good idea, right? Yeah, I thought so to!

So, I lathered on the sunscreen, grabbed my kindle, and headed to the pool! It was glorious! Sunny with a cool breeze and a great book (Lamb, the Gospel of Biff, by Christiphor Moore)! I was gonna read, get some sun, expand my sexual appeal, and relax!

And I did! In fact, the book was soooo good I just kept reading… for two hours… until I had finished!

Girls like pink, right?

The Sunburn

This is what HOT looks like!

Still single… pink for sure… but still single!

Scott

P.S. Did you know that sunscreen has an expiration date? Yeah, me either!

Balls On A Bicycle Seat

This is not just a horrible mental image, it’s also my future… well, sort of.

You see, we here in the Northwest (Portland & Seattle specifically) have joined in the wild and crazy event called the World Naked Bike Ride! And, yes, it’s exactly as it sounds; naked (or near-naked, the official motto is “As bare as you dare”) people riding bicycles! It’s all to promote riding bikes, reducing pollution, and having fun! And it really is an amazing thing to see. This year it’s taking place on June 19th!!!

In Portland, the first official ride was 2004 with just a handful of people, but it’s grown every year. In 2007 there were 800 riders, 2008 saw 2000, and last year we had 5000 riders! This year the expectation is near 10,000!!! That’s a lot of skin, let me tell you! It’s an amazing thing to watch thousands of nearly naked people riding through the streets of downtown Portland, stopping traffic, with hundreds of spectators lining the route!

Last year I just watched and took pictures, but this year I’m taking part! (Thanks for the bike, Dad!)

That’s right, I’m going to be riding, nearly-naked (I fear chaffing and pinching, not showing the goods), with thousands of other like-minded (and less dressed) people!

What am I wearing? Well, I haven’t bought it yet, but…

Shoes
Socks
Helmet
Neon-Pink Thong
Pink Tutu
Pink Fairy Wings
and a Wand (No, not like that! A real fake-wand, that I will carry in my hand!)

What’s the theme?

I’m going to be a “Hairy” Godmother!

My real concern is, do you think the chicks will dig it?

Would you talk to a “Hairy” Godmother?

Why do I feel like I’m going to attract suitors, not senoritas?

Maybe I should re-think the outfit…

Still single, and worried I may be attracting the wrong crowd,

Scott

P.S. if you want to join in, here’s a couple links to find out more!

http://www.worldnakedbikeride.org/
http://www.shift2bikes.org/wnbr/min.php
http://wiki.worldnakedbikeride.org/index.php?title=Portland

London Clubbing

OK, so first of all, I have to say that I feel as if I went in the opposite direction as you, Scott…

Let me explain that. Years ago I gave up on going out to bars and clubs to meet men… I did meet men, but I wasn’t interested. The kind of guy I like doesn’t go around bars trying to pick up women. That said, a friend here really wanted to go out and pick up guys, so I sighed and agreed to do it. Why? Well, part of me was hoping London clubs would be different from those in other cities. Another part of me kind of knew that this would be nothing more but a social experiment using myself as the guinea pig.

We started early, since there was a poetry reading in the afternoon she was interested in. It was going to be in a room above a pub… Poetry above a pub… promising, right? Never, and I repeat, never, get sucked into that one. If someone with a book published can’t find any space other than the room above a pub, bets are that the book is self published. And not any good. And the reading is full of his aspiring-poet friends (all, including the author, above 50). Who also read some of their stuff. And want our phone numbers, “in case there’s another reading.”

Two whiskeys (on the rocks) got me through that. Then we walked to a pub in the hipper part of London. Full, very full. Mostly, full of groups of teens (they are allowed to drink at 18 here). No one mingles, nothing interesting. Two more whiskeys.

The next stop was a night club, one of the best known (the Old Queen’s Head). It was around, which would have been way too early to start clubbing elsewhere, but hey, London. I’m getting used to it. The place was far from full, but there were no tables left. That was okay, we wanted to dance anyway. Two more whiskeys.By 10, the place was packed, and pretty diverse… Lots of groups of men looking to pick up girls. And a few interesting men… sort of… not really. Also, the Brits are terrible dancers. And the DJ wasn’t helping. Another whiskey.

Lesson learned: Don’t do that again. You will meet interesting men anywhere but clubs.

Tips for men, if you still want to pick up a girl while clubbing:

1. If you have a girlfriend, what’s wrong with you? On that note, please don’t try to pick up a girl while your girlfriend is in the bathroom, or dancing. She will notice at some point. And I hope she drops you!

2. Don’t drink Corona unless you’re at the beach (and if you’re in Mexico, don’t drink Corona, there are much better beers we keep to ourselves). Especially if you’re in the UK, on a cold spring night, don’t drink Corona at a club. Pick any other beer. And don’t put a wedge of lime in it.

3. If you can’t dance, say so, because no matter how many times you tell us that you love dancing, it shows you’ve avoided doing it all your life.

4. Has a girl ever, ever told you how cool those white loafers look? No? Guess why…

5. Bathe! We do have a sense of smell, you know (and we can tell that it’s not just from the dancing tonight).

That said, the bouncer (who “chatted me up” as we were weaving our way out of the club) was a cool guy… He agreed when I told him they should not have amateur DJ’s on a Saturday night.

Oh, and I managed to make the last train home on the tube, which is great, because I was way too drunk to figure out the night busses.

New Post soon, meanwhile…

I just had to share this:

http://www.theonion.com/articles/ive-left-my-haltingly-awkward-voice-message-now-th,17206/

S.

The Waiting

Main Entry: ten·ta·tive
Pronunciation: \ˈten-tə-tiv\
Function: adjective
Etymology: Medieval Latin tentativus, from Latin tentatus, past participle of tentare, temptare to feel, try
Date: 1626
1 : not fully worked out or developed
2 : hesitant, uncertain
— tentative noun
— ten·ta·tive·ly adverb
— ten·ta·tive·ness noun
(from www.merriam-webster.com)

My apartment flooded on December 12, 2009.
At first, a “possible” move-back date, March 19, 2010.
Then came the “shooting-for” date of March 31, 2010.
It is now April 2, 2010, the first “tentative” move-back date. The wind is blowing, the rain is sheeting, and I am writing from… my hotel room.

The girls at the front desk laugh every time I hand them my card key to have it updated to the new check-out date. “You’re never leaving!” they like to tease. It’s become routine. The cute little 19 year-old Abby doesn’t even bat an eye when I walk up, card already extended, and exclaim “Flash me!” They know me.

Don’t get me wrong, I highly recommend the Hilton Homewood Suites in Vancouver, WA. It’s a nice place, with lovely, friendly, and often funny, service. They offer hot breakfast every morning and a hot dinner, with free beer and wine, four nights a week. I have a kitchenette, a sitting room, two flatscreen TVs, and a king-sized bed. It’s a great place and I’ve made some new friends.

But it’s not home.

I know I haven’t posted much since the flood, and what I have posted has been, well, let’s just say less then productive. I apologize. There’s just something sleazy about asking a girl back to your hotel room! And it certainly doesn’t imply a desire for anything long-term.

But all of that’s about to change! From the looks of things, I should be able to move in either tomorrow or Monday! I will have a brand new home to show off and a desire to do “stuff”. I’m making a change!

Does this mean I’m gonna get out there and start hitting the bars, trolling for dates, and talking-up strange women? (Have you actually read any of these posts?) Hell no! When it comes to conventional dating, I’m a huge skeptic. (Not to mention I suck at it.) No, I’ve decided that I’m never going to find what I’m looking for (not that I actually know what that is) by relying on my dating skills and actually attempting to pick-up women. Instead, I’m going to start doing things I like to do and see what happens.

What am I talking about? Well, things like a book club. I’m trying to start up a book club with a couple of the hottest bartenders this side of Mars. I’m also thinking about taking a creative writing class at the local community college. Maybe a ballroom dancing class, or perhaps something in a foreign language. (Hola! Sabina!)

So, expect a whole new level of posts coming soon! Less bitching and more action!

Still single, and waiting… and waiting… and waiting,

Scott