Women Are Not Just Sex Objects!!!

I know this to be true! For my mother told me so!

However, having only had the chance to partake in the glory that is the “non-sexual” woman lately, I must say that I’m… getting tired of it.

I want to ogle naked boobies! I want to indulge in the sins that made me! I want a sex object! I have needs ya…

Hey! Look at that! The girl from The Big Bang Theory is on the cover of Maxim! And she’s not wearing very much!

Kaley Cuoco From Maxim Cover

Maxim Cover Shot of Kaley!!!

Hmmm…

Never mind. I’m good now.

Still single and a steadfast champion of women and their right to be more then just sex objects… for all but 15 minutes of every day!

Scott

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The Art Of… The Date Fart

We’ve all been there. You’re on a date, sitting across from the mate-of-the-week, when you have a need to express yourself in a very unattractive manner!

So, what do you do? Do you squeeze-cheeks in hopes of forcing this unwanted guest back where it came from? Do you let fly with a fake cough and hope that the aftereffects don’t give away the true nature of your coughing fit? Do you attempt the often disastrous controlled-clench-squeal maneuver?

Well, my friends, I’m here to tell you there’s a better way! That’s right, I can promise you that with a few hours practice and concentration, you can escape the embarrassment of the date fart, 95% of the time! No more p-p-punctuated jogs to the bathroom! No more ass-whistlers! No more liftoffs in need of a NASA countdown!!! Just whisper-quiet wafts of waste air!

How? You ask? Simple! You just need to master the crack-spreading sphincter-shift! Here’s how you do it:

From a seated position, gently lift your weight off of one cheek (it’s best to user your dominant cheek) and while keeping pressure on the other, shift away from the seated-cheek. Once you have achieved maximum spread, return the lifted cheek to the seat and come back to a centered position until both cheeks are equally spread.

With me so far? You should now have a definite gap between both cheeks. Once the spread has been achieved, lean forward (as if you’re interested in something they are saying, but not too interested, you don’t want to draw attention) until you feel the trajectory of gas will cause it to skip off of the seat between your cheeks, rather then bubble and explode against the seat.

Now comes the tough part! With a steady, but not too strong, colonic pressure, relax the sphincter and let the air woosh out in a gentle breeze! Keep the pressure on and the angle right until you are sure it has all escaped!

And there you have it! The crack-spreading sphincter-shift! Gas is gone, slowly dispersed without a single date disturbed!

Now, a few words of warning!

Never apply too much pressure! This will cause a fart-flutter of the anus and can lead to excessive noise and spluttering!

Never release the sphincter until proper spread and angle have been achieved! Doing so could cause a bubble-whistle, or worse, cheek-flap incident!

Practice this maneuver in the privacy of your own home! Preferably, to begin with, when you are alone! Without proper training, you run the risk of embarrassing yourself in public, or worse, having to buy an emergency pair of underwear from the corner convenience store!

Never, and I mean never, practice under the influence of cabbage!!! Cabbage kills, people! Cabbage kills!

Now get out there and make me proud!

Still single and farting without their knowledge,

Scott

How Not to Get Laid…

Don’t…

…be a fatty! To get laid as a fatty you’re going to need alcohol, the ability to make people laugh, and, quite possibly, cash.

…be a pussy! No confidence in your “game”? No getting laid!

…act needy! Sure, we all have a need to connect with people, but if you can’t give them space… you’re not getting laid!

…be nice! The one’s that are nice and looking for nice aren’t going to give it up without a lot of work. If that’s what you’re looking for, then stop looking to just get laid!!!

…have a hairy chest! The only one’s that like the hairy chests are the ones that used to cuddle with one, in the middle of winter, because there was no one else around, in the 1940’s!

…EVER get duped by “verification” responses to Craigslist ads! They aren’t real! And you won’t get laid… but you will get fucked!!!

…whine about not getting laid! Whiner’s don’t get anything but more annoying! Stop it!

…act like something you’re not! Not really a stud? Stop acting like it! Not really skinny? Stop acting like it! Not really a woman? Stop hitting on me!!! You’re not getting laid!

Still single, and not getting laid!!!

Scott

P.S. writing a blog about dating does not qualify as whining!

*note: the only thing on this list that applies to women is the “hairy” entry, and even that’s questionable!

A Post-Feminist Response to Big Heart

I know, I know… Some of us… many of us, have a very hard tome asking for help, or even accepting it if it’s offered. Most of us (usually the same ones) are skittish and flee if a guy shows that he cares too soon (give us a break, we’re the ones who can’t tell someone’s a psycho until it’s too late). All that means many of you end up pretending to be uncaring assholes when, really, you’re not. And we all suffer, too, because deep down, we want you to care, and worry, and be there.

The problem is, our generation was raised by feminists. Whether they were vocal about it or not, whether they took on the cause or not, whether they burned their bras or wore them, our mothers lived in the era when it finally became all right to work, study, be yourself, be an individual, and not just a wife. And so, we all grew up being told that we could do it alone, that we were independent, that we did not need a man to make us complete, or help us in any way. We are the first generation to be enjoying the first fruits of equality, but we are also acutely aware that we aren’t there yet.

And so, can you blame us if we haven’t quite found the balance as individuals yet? If we’re so intent on being strong and independent and complete, able to do it all, that we don’t feel comfortable accepting help, or freak when a guy seems to want to take some of the burden (oh, no, my independence might be next!). I’d add the fact that, while we were being told to be independent, the same mothers were raising all of you to be kind, caring and helpful.

What can I say. We all need to find he balance. And Scott, we really do want guys like you. We just suck at showing it, and we’re incredibly ungrateful. And remember, this admission comes from someone who will not allow guys to open her door (don’t you think I know how to operate the knob.

A Big Heart Gets No Love

I think there’s something sincerely wrong with me.

I’m nice. Too nice.

And I care too much.

And it freaks girls out.

That’s right. It freaks the ladies out. So instead of doing what I want to do, which is help, I keep my help to myself. And it eats at me and eats at me.

Why do I worry about people I don’t even really know?

I don’t worry about myself? So why did I drive around tonight looking for a worry stone for someone I barely know? For a worry that she wouldn’t even tell me the cause of? For help that I won’t end up giving because I don’t want to freak her out?

Why do I worry about my friends? Will she get pregnant? Will she find happiness with the new guy? Has he finally found the one?

What the hell’s wrong with me? And how do I change it?

And don’t you dare tell me that women really want a guy like me. That’s bullshit! And you know it!

Still single, and steadily drinking myself into a Friday-night-oblivion,

Scott

Post-Valentines Slump?

I’ve personally never been a fan of Valentine’s Day. Maybe it’s because I broke up with my first girlfriend just three weeks before the day of romance. Maybe it’s because I’ve spent every consecutive Valentine’s Day since, alone. Maybe it’s because I just don’t believe in dedicating a single day to showing one’s love for their partner. In any case, it comes around every year and I am subjected to overwhelming evidence that Valentine’s Day is only important to people who are actually in relationships. For the singles in the world, it’s just a day to rub in the fact that we have “failed” to make ourselves into a socially acceptable Pair.

And now the roses-and-chocolates holiday is yesterday and we can move on with our lives. But it feels like we haven’t actually moved on. People I know are still talking about how wonderful it was to have breakfast in bed with their hubbie/girlfriend/fiance. How they’ll never be able to eat “All-Those-Chocolates!” How they feel like the luckiest girl/boy in the world to have such a romantic partner. And here I am, wondering what that actually feels like. Is Valentines Day different when you have a partner? Would I appreciate it more if I weren’t so desolately single?

Incommunicado: The Art of Bad Relationships

Okay, let’s be honest. How many times have you said one thing to a partner but were thinking something else? Have you ever actually had the thought, or worse, said, “Could you just wait until the [game, show, decade] is over?” during a conversation? Have you ever been accused of not listening?

I know I have. The question is why? Why aren’t we honest, upfront, and real with the partners in our lives? Is it because we get bored? Do we actually lose interest? Are we all just a bunch of douche-bag-idiots determined to screw up our own lives?

Or is it something else?

Being single, I’ve had hours to ponder this question (nothing, and no one, to do will do that to you), and I think I may have discovered a reason, or at least a reasonable excuse, as to why we do this in matters of love. It’s the act of dating, or early courtship, that screws most of us up!

Why dating? Simple. All of us manipulate ourselves to better fit our perceived ideas of what the other wants in a partner. We hide, lie, or hold back the truth about the things we don’t like about ourselves. We push the things that unite us, and stuff those that don’t in a dark closet with the rest of our secret desires, our unfulfilled wants and needs, our unmentionables. We do it easily, and often, and we call it compromise. But, in reality, what it is false advertising. It’s the human equivalent of infomercials. Sure, it slices, it dices, it squirts mustard with the push of a button, but after a year and 4 uses, will you feel it was worth it? Did you really need something that only fulfilled part of your needs? Do you miss the things you stuffed in a drawer to forget?

This is what we do people! We start off not communicating! We don’t offer-up the real me because of the fear that the other person won’t like the real me. We hide our true selves just to have parts and pieces of us loved. Sometimes we do it to just fulfill a physical need. And we do it over, and over, and over again, because we know, we just know, that no one would want the real me.

You know you do it. We all do. Even the best of us are completely screwed up. And the reality is that this unfortunate flaw is built into the very core of our being. We will never change. We will always have difficulty communicating. But it doesn’t mean we have to do it blindly. It doesn’t mean we have to hide everything. It doesn’t mean we have to be afraid of being ourselves.

It means we have to be as much of our real selves as possible. It means we have to let others be as much or their real selves as possible. It means knowing yourself. It means being honest, telling the truth, and dealing with things when they do come up in as rational a manner as possible.

It means communicating.

Still single and unable to talk to girls,

Scott