Lesbians Are Complicated

If I had a dime for every time I’ve heard a woman tell me “Men are assholes, I should just become a lesbian” I’d have…well, realistically I’d only have about a buck. But my response will always be the same–“Lesbian relationships are just as, if not more complicated!”

You want an example? Say you’re friends with someone. Say you and someone are staying overnight in a crowded house and you and that same someone share a bed. Voluntarily, mind you! Say that you and that someone spend some time laying in bed, cuddling up, and whispering secrets and talking about hopes for the future. Say you and that someone have a nice, comfortable evening together and all is dandy. What does it mean to you?

Chances are, if you’re two heteros of opposite sex, it means that you’re having some kind of connection and that you’re probably both thinking about getting it on. But if you’re gay? Well, then things are a bit more complicated, aren’t they? Because girls have a special role for each other, and that includes cuddling–even in the straightest of hetero friendships. Girls like to cuddle. Girls like to share secrets. Girls like to be close. So then how the hell does a lesbian know if she’s a friend of a girlfriend?!

Well there’s one easy way to tell–just wait until the next morning! Because a night of shared cuddling between two lesbians will ultimately result in someone needing to discuss what went on. And there will have to be a conversation about what it all means. And someone will have to say “we’re just friends, right?” and someone else will have to say “of course we’re just friends. I love you.” It can get very complicated for lesbians to be friends!

So, dear readers, let me make a blanket statement just to clear the air. I am not interested in bedding you. Even if I kiss you or make out with you for an hour, I’m not interested in having sex with you. If I want to screw you, you will know because I will tell you. Are we all clear on that now?

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Balls On A Bicycle Seat

This is not just a horrible mental image, it’s also my future… well, sort of.

You see, we here in the Northwest (Portland & Seattle specifically) have joined in the wild and crazy event called the World Naked Bike Ride! And, yes, it’s exactly as it sounds; naked (or near-naked, the official motto is “As bare as you dare”) people riding bicycles! It’s all to promote riding bikes, reducing pollution, and having fun! And it really is an amazing thing to see. This year it’s taking place on June 19th!!!

In Portland, the first official ride was 2004 with just a handful of people, but it’s grown every year. In 2007 there were 800 riders, 2008 saw 2000, and last year we had 5000 riders! This year the expectation is near 10,000!!! That’s a lot of skin, let me tell you! It’s an amazing thing to watch thousands of nearly naked people riding through the streets of downtown Portland, stopping traffic, with hundreds of spectators lining the route!

Last year I just watched and took pictures, but this year I’m taking part! (Thanks for the bike, Dad!)

That’s right, I’m going to be riding, nearly-naked (I fear chaffing and pinching, not showing the goods), with thousands of other like-minded (and less dressed) people!

What am I wearing? Well, I haven’t bought it yet, but…

Shoes
Socks
Helmet
Neon-Pink Thong
Pink Tutu
Pink Fairy Wings
and a Wand (No, not like that! A real fake-wand, that I will carry in my hand!)

What’s the theme?

I’m going to be a “Hairy” Godmother!

My real concern is, do you think the chicks will dig it?

Would you talk to a “Hairy” Godmother?

Why do I feel like I’m going to attract suitors, not senoritas?

Maybe I should re-think the outfit…

Still single, and worried I may be attracting the wrong crowd,

Scott

P.S. if you want to join in, here’s a couple links to find out more!

http://www.worldnakedbikeride.org/
http://www.shift2bikes.org/wnbr/min.php
http://wiki.worldnakedbikeride.org/index.php?title=Portland

Angsty Single Lesbian Seeks Solitude

I have been unusually quiet in posting lately, and I do have an excuse; I have been very busy being a Northwest cliche. I have been creating an Organic Garden with a very hetero male friend of mine. We spend our time tilling and amending soil, measuring out plots, and of course sowing lots and lots of seeds. And I must say, “dirt therapy” is far more satisfying than any relationship I’ve been in! There’s nothing better than going out into the garden, beating up on the very forgiving soil, and watching something beautiful grow from it. I often think that it would be impossible to find a partner who could truly understand the satisfaction that comes with home farming.

On a side-and-not-completely-unrelated note, I encountered someone yesterday from my past. Someone who I once lusted after with great vigor. This woman was and remains an enigma to me. I met her through a group of friends, via introduction from Scott, as it so happens. She was described to us before she entered the small pizza parlor. A bi-sexual Latina with all the right curves. Tattooed and lovely. Looking around the table at a group of attractive people, I made the early assumption that she wouldn’t have any interest in me, so I put my nose back in the book I was reading. Was she gorgeous? Absolutely. Was she entertaining? Absolutely. And there I was, playing it cool with my nose in a book at a social function. Lo and behold if she didn’t interact with me! We went out dancing that first night, and I admit that I was taken with her. It didn’t go anywhere, and that’s okay with me. She’s married and has a baby now, so everything turned out the way it was supposed to.

The encounter has had me thinking for the last 24 hours about how I approach women. When I make an effort to meet someone, it usually goes awry. When I keep to myself, I apparently give off some kind of cool vibe that makes me interesting and approachable. So with that in mind, I’m looking at a Spring/Summer season full of functions and events that could bring any number of possibilities…as long as I bring my book and keep my cool!

Singles Guide To Happy-Family-Holidays

Are you a wild and crazy, single-and-happy-about-it, free-spirit that’s finding it hard to cope with the incessant questioning by “supportive” family members? Do you dread holiday get-togethers because people “in love” don’t understand you? Have you taken drastic measures in the past to avoid these people?

If you answered yes to any of the above questions, then the “Singles Guide To Happy-Family-Holidays” is what you’ve been looking for!

What you’ll find in the “Singles Guide To Happy-Family-Holidays”:

Combat Comebacks: The art of expertly picking apart your annoying relatives!
Pre-emptive Strike Guidance: How to get to them before they get to you!
Lying to Grandma: How to sugar-coat the bullshit!
Pre-gather Punch: 12 delicious recipes sure to have you slurring before the first question!
Homo-elusion: Real, homosexual-tested, gay statements to once and for all stop the questioning!
Plus Much More!!!!

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Order on-line and get the Pocket-Pod “Crippler” attachment! Twice the power! Three times the fun!

Still single and anxiously awaiting delivery of my very own Pocket-Prod with Crippler attachment!

Scott

Can Someone Tell Me How?

I saw this really really cute chick on the bus yesterday. The minute I saw her I was attracted to her. We rode along in silence, and then, to my utter disbelief, we got off at the same stop! Obviously we were both going into Fred Meyer, and were about to cross the street and parking lot together. This was my opening! This was the opportunity to step out of my comfort zone and strike up a conversation! Maybe we could sit at the Starbucks inside and have coffee while we chatted!

As the distance to the front door closed in on us, I panicked. I hadn’t said anything yet and we’d been walking practically side by side for at least a whole minute! SAY SOMETHING!

My palms got a little sweaty and my tongue suddenly glued itself to the roof of my mouth. I imagined what her smile would like if she gave me a positive response. I imagined what her brow would look like as she sneered at my intrusion. A chance encounter could only go one of two ways–positive or negative. However, in my feeble, self-conscious mind, the imagined response is almost always negative.

By the time I had made up my mind to say something droll about the rain and life in Oregon, I was in the produce aisle and mystery dyke was nowhere to be seen.

So please, someone, tell me how to casually talk to strangers!

Stop Looking!

Got some advice from a good, and very jaded, friend tonight on how to get women (she’s a woman) that was essentially “stop looking”. This isn’t bad advice… for people that aren’t me!

OK. So, here’s the deal. I have spent most of my life “not” looking for a mate. Really, I have. I figured that I would just meet her, randomly, like in a movie. It didn’t work (or, at least, hasn’t so far).

I always thought it was because I couldn’t tell when women were interested. Because I didn’t walk up and randomly hit on women. And most importantly because I didn’t go to college (and therefore never learned the art of picking up chicks).

As it turns out, I was almost right.

Sure, all of those things have a bearing on whether or not I meet “the one” (or even “you’ll do”). But even taken together, the likelihood of not meeting someone is really unlikely! I mean, random things happen every day, right! Given my interactions with women, I was bound to screw up eventually and actually meet someone!

Nope!

And I’ve come to a realization over the years as to why that is. It’s my personality! I have a pretty good one. I’m nice and non-threatening. I care and I listen. Sure, I make a fair number of rude and/or off-color remarks (I am a “perpetual line stepper” according to my friend Travis), but it’s all in fun. People like me.

Do you see the problem yet? No? Well, put it all together…

I am:
girl’s-interested challenged
pick-up-on-chicks challenged
collegiately-dating challenged
nice
non-threatening
funny
a listener
I care

“What’s that spell!!!” (sorry, cheerleader fantasy come true)

I’ll tell you what that spells! One of two things. I’m either:
A: Gay
B: Married

I am, and have never been, either of those!

So what do I do? If I go out looking for the girl, I don’t seem to find her. If I don’t look for the girl, she doesn’t find me!

Damnit! Why is life so difficult!!!

Still single and having a hard time choosing between the assless chaps or a wedding ring,

Scott

Lesbian Dating in Portland

I was talking about this with some friends the other night. See, Portland, Oregon is the lesbian capital of America. Portland has a higher per capita lesbian population than anywhere else. So, I ought to have the best luck finding the love of my life here, right?

Here’s what I have discovered about lesbian dating in Portland. When meeting up for that first date, there are two options: Starbucks at the Square, or the Egyptian club. And you can tell what kind of person she is based on which venue she chooses! Also, despite the high population of lesbians, the actual dating pool is kind of small, increasing the liklihood of continually running into exes or at least someone you’ve been out with before. Basically, it’s predictable and I’m thinking that the lesbians of Portland are in a rut.

I don’t know if straight daters experience this same rut or not. How can I get out of this rut? Maybe it’s officially time I looked outside of Portland?