Craigslist… You Haunt Me

Seriously, why do you exist, Craigslist?

Why do you taunt me with meaningless sex when you know it’s not what I really want?

Why do I continue to believe that maybe, just maybe, there’s a girl out there looking for love in the casual encounters section?

Why?

Damn you Craigslist!

Damn you to hell!

Still single, bored, and lonely,

Scott

2010 WNBR Portland Photos — Warning! SINSFTS (Some Images Not Safe For The Sighted)

OK, so I said I would post photos…

I may regret this…

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Of course, you might regret that too…

Still single and completely laying the blame on the damn sun and Burger King!

Scott

Sunny-Side Up

As I posted earlier, I’m planning on doing this World Naked Bike Ride. Well, it dawned on me yesterday (while at the bar preaching on the virtues of riding a bicycle naked) that I was lacking color on much of that that would be on display during the ride. In other words, the only thing distinguishing my torso from a snow field was chest hair!

Well, me being the brilliant man that I am, I thought I would take advantage of the 85 degree weather to get some color! Good idea, right? Yeah, I thought so to!

So, I lathered on the sunscreen, grabbed my kindle, and headed to the pool! It was glorious! Sunny with a cool breeze and a great book (Lamb, the Gospel of Biff, by Christiphor Moore)! I was gonna read, get some sun, expand my sexual appeal, and relax!

And I did! In fact, the book was soooo good I just kept reading… for two hours… until I had finished!

Girls like pink, right?

The Sunburn

This is what HOT looks like!

Still single… pink for sure… but still single!

Scott

P.S. Did you know that sunscreen has an expiration date? Yeah, me either!

Secret Crush

Secret Crush
written and read by Scott Weaver

She’s tall, around 5′ 11′, maybe even 6 foot.
She has raven-black hair that runs straight, all the way down past her shoulder blades.
She’s pale like a winter moon.
She’s beautiful.

She’s not fat, but not skinny.
She has a soft round face with deep-set eyes.
She looks naive, and shy, and wholesome.
She’s quiet.

I see her punching timestamps on receipts a couple of times a week.
Sometimes she goes to lunch with a short, fat, funny-haired old guy from the office.
She wears dark floral skirts that cover her knees and simple flats on her feet.
When she’s cold, she wears a shiny black-suede jacket, tied in the front.
I don’t think she’s noticed, that I’ve noticed, that she’s beautiful.

She’s my secret crush.

I Love Myself

I Love Myself
written and read by Scott Weaver

Oh, I love, I love, I love myself!
Yes, indeed, I do!
I love, I love, I love myself!
And I think that you should to!

Now don’t be coy and subtle with me,
If you think I’m a handsome dude!
Just walk right up and tell me so,
And I’ll say, “How do you do!”

Oh, I love, I love, I love myself!
Yes, indeed, I do!
I love, I love, I love myself!
And I think you’re starting to, to!

Now don’t be all shy and ladylike,
Cause I can’t read that crap either!
If you want my love, you’ll have to prove
That you’re an eager beaver!

Oh, I love, I love, I love myself!
Yes, indeed, I do!
I love, I love, I love myself!
Don’t you love me to?

Now if you really want to be with me,
All you have to do is say, “Hi!
You’re really, really hot and sexy,
And I want you to be my guy!”

Oh, I love, I love, I love myself!
I really, really, do!
But I’m kind of tired of myself,
And I’d like to try-on you!

Now if we meet, and do hook up,
Don’t wait for me to make the move,
Because you see, I’m shy as can be,
And you’ll have to do that to!

Well, I love, I love, I love myself!
You know this to be true!
But for as much as I love myself,
I could really use a screw!

Balls On A Bicycle Seat

This is not just a horrible mental image, it’s also my future… well, sort of.

You see, we here in the Northwest (Portland & Seattle specifically) have joined in the wild and crazy event called the World Naked Bike Ride! And, yes, it’s exactly as it sounds; naked (or near-naked, the official motto is “As bare as you dare”) people riding bicycles! It’s all to promote riding bikes, reducing pollution, and having fun! And it really is an amazing thing to see. This year it’s taking place on June 19th!!!

In Portland, the first official ride was 2004 with just a handful of people, but it’s grown every year. In 2007 there were 800 riders, 2008 saw 2000, and last year we had 5000 riders! This year the expectation is near 10,000!!! That’s a lot of skin, let me tell you! It’s an amazing thing to watch thousands of nearly naked people riding through the streets of downtown Portland, stopping traffic, with hundreds of spectators lining the route!

Last year I just watched and took pictures, but this year I’m taking part! (Thanks for the bike, Dad!)

That’s right, I’m going to be riding, nearly-naked (I fear chaffing and pinching, not showing the goods), with thousands of other like-minded (and less dressed) people!

What am I wearing? Well, I haven’t bought it yet, but…

Shoes
Socks
Helmet
Neon-Pink Thong
Pink Tutu
Pink Fairy Wings
and a Wand (No, not like that! A real fake-wand, that I will carry in my hand!)

What’s the theme?

I’m going to be a “Hairy” Godmother!

My real concern is, do you think the chicks will dig it?

Would you talk to a “Hairy” Godmother?

Why do I feel like I’m going to attract suitors, not senoritas?

Maybe I should re-think the outfit…

Still single, and worried I may be attracting the wrong crowd,

Scott

P.S. if you want to join in, here’s a couple links to find out more!

http://www.worldnakedbikeride.org/
http://www.shift2bikes.org/wnbr/min.php
http://wiki.worldnakedbikeride.org/index.php?title=Portland

I’m In Like Flynn

Well, not exactly, I haven’t actually molested any children or anything… but I am in my apartment!

Yep, everything got moved back in Monday!!!

Now all I have to do is go through all this shit! And let me tell you, there’s a bunch of it! If I ever do meet a girl she better not have anything, cause I don’t have room for her crap to! (What do you mean you have clothes? No! No! Just use some of mine!)

You know, after 2 days of moving back in, I sure could use a vacation! Stay in a nice hotel, not have to do anything… that would be the life!!!

Still single and practicing an unpacking spell… which isn’t working, but then neither am I,

Scott

P.S. If you don’t know the meaning of the title, here’s a little education In Like Flynn and don’t blame me for it catching on!