I Love Myself

I Love Myself
written and read by Scott Weaver

Oh, I love, I love, I love myself!
Yes, indeed, I do!
I love, I love, I love myself!
And I think that you should to!

Now don’t be coy and subtle with me,
If you think I’m a handsome dude!
Just walk right up and tell me so,
And I’ll say, “How do you do!”

Oh, I love, I love, I love myself!
Yes, indeed, I do!
I love, I love, I love myself!
And I think you’re starting to, to!

Now don’t be all shy and ladylike,
Cause I can’t read that crap either!
If you want my love, you’ll have to prove
That you’re an eager beaver!

Oh, I love, I love, I love myself!
Yes, indeed, I do!
I love, I love, I love myself!
Don’t you love me to?

Now if you really want to be with me,
All you have to do is say, “Hi!
You’re really, really hot and sexy,
And I want you to be my guy!”

Oh, I love, I love, I love myself!
I really, really, do!
But I’m kind of tired of myself,
And I’d like to try-on you!

Now if we meet, and do hook up,
Don’t wait for me to make the move,
Because you see, I’m shy as can be,
And you’ll have to do that to!

Well, I love, I love, I love myself!
You know this to be true!
But for as much as I love myself,
I could really use a screw!

Balls On A Bicycle Seat

This is not just a horrible mental image, it’s also my future… well, sort of.

You see, we here in the Northwest (Portland & Seattle specifically) have joined in the wild and crazy event called the World Naked Bike Ride! And, yes, it’s exactly as it sounds; naked (or near-naked, the official motto is “As bare as you dare”) people riding bicycles! It’s all to promote riding bikes, reducing pollution, and having fun! And it really is an amazing thing to see. This year it’s taking place on June 19th!!!

In Portland, the first official ride was 2004 with just a handful of people, but it’s grown every year. In 2007 there were 800 riders, 2008 saw 2000, and last year we had 5000 riders! This year the expectation is near 10,000!!! That’s a lot of skin, let me tell you! It’s an amazing thing to watch thousands of nearly naked people riding through the streets of downtown Portland, stopping traffic, with hundreds of spectators lining the route!

Last year I just watched and took pictures, but this year I’m taking part! (Thanks for the bike, Dad!)

That’s right, I’m going to be riding, nearly-naked (I fear chaffing and pinching, not showing the goods), with thousands of other like-minded (and less dressed) people!

What am I wearing? Well, I haven’t bought it yet, but…

Shoes
Socks
Helmet
Neon-Pink Thong
Pink Tutu
Pink Fairy Wings
and a Wand (No, not like that! A real fake-wand, that I will carry in my hand!)

What’s the theme?

I’m going to be a “Hairy” Godmother!

My real concern is, do you think the chicks will dig it?

Would you talk to a “Hairy” Godmother?

Why do I feel like I’m going to attract suitors, not senoritas?

Maybe I should re-think the outfit…

Still single, and worried I may be attracting the wrong crowd,

Scott

P.S. if you want to join in, here’s a couple links to find out more!

http://www.worldnakedbikeride.org/
http://www.shift2bikes.org/wnbr/min.php
http://wiki.worldnakedbikeride.org/index.php?title=Portland

The Resurrection Of Home

Well, dear readers, I’m finally home! Yes, it’s all put back together! The paintings are hung, the cats are home, and I can nap on my very own couches!!!

I promised pictures, so…

Living Room

Living Room

Living Room

Living Room

Living Room

Entertainment

Dining Room

Kitchen

Kitchen

View From Kitchen

Main Bathroom

Office

Office

Master Bedroom

Master Bedroom

Master Washroom

Maser Washroom

Master Bath

Walk-in Closet

Still single, but at least I’m home!

Scott

Slowly, I return…

Oh, dear reader, it’s been too long! How are you? I’ve missed you terribly! I hope everything is well with you.

Well, I have completely moved back into my apartment (except for 2 more paintings to put up, that’s tomorrow). It’s beautiful!!! I will send pictures soon, I promise!

I also have the boys back! And let me tell you, they are soooooo cute! (I just don’t remember this much hair!!! Damn!)

So, I actually did it! I formed a book club with a couple of girls from the bar! Our first book is Memoirs of a Geisha! And today we’re all bringing in our baby pictures (they don’t believe I was at my sexual peak as a 1st grader!). Woo Hoo!

Nothing on the dating front. Who has time for the drama of dating with work and moving and reading and watching tv?

Well, I have to go. Subway, the sun, some good jazz, and Memoirs are calling my name!

Still single and okay with it,

Scott

P.S. What the hell have you been up to, dear reader? Anything good? I’d love to hear about it!!! S.

What I Wouldn’t Give For Love

I wouldn’t give up my rights, my body, or my identity.

I wouldn’t give up my vote, or my voice.

I wouldn’t give up my values and ethics, nor would I give up my spirituality.

I wouldn’t give up my independence for the sake of a partner’s need to be dominant.

I wouldn’t give in to cultural standards of beauty and gender, nor would I give up my own style.

I wouldn’t give up my family and friends, nor would I give up my social life.

I wouldn’t give up my hopes and dreams.

I wouldn’t give up my optimism, or my desire to see the world as a beautiful place.

I probably wouldn’t even give up my animals.

Love doesn’t ask you to give away parts of yourself, it appreciates you the way you are.

What wouldn’t you give for love?

Angsty Single Lesbian Seeks Solitude

I have been unusually quiet in posting lately, and I do have an excuse; I have been very busy being a Northwest cliche. I have been creating an Organic Garden with a very hetero male friend of mine. We spend our time tilling and amending soil, measuring out plots, and of course sowing lots and lots of seeds. And I must say, “dirt therapy” is far more satisfying than any relationship I’ve been in! There’s nothing better than going out into the garden, beating up on the very forgiving soil, and watching something beautiful grow from it. I often think that it would be impossible to find a partner who could truly understand the satisfaction that comes with home farming.

On a side-and-not-completely-unrelated note, I encountered someone yesterday from my past. Someone who I once lusted after with great vigor. This woman was and remains an enigma to me. I met her through a group of friends, via introduction from Scott, as it so happens. She was described to us before she entered the small pizza parlor. A bi-sexual Latina with all the right curves. Tattooed and lovely. Looking around the table at a group of attractive people, I made the early assumption that she wouldn’t have any interest in me, so I put my nose back in the book I was reading. Was she gorgeous? Absolutely. Was she entertaining? Absolutely. And there I was, playing it cool with my nose in a book at a social function. Lo and behold if she didn’t interact with me! We went out dancing that first night, and I admit that I was taken with her. It didn’t go anywhere, and that’s okay with me. She’s married and has a baby now, so everything turned out the way it was supposed to.

The encounter has had me thinking for the last 24 hours about how I approach women. When I make an effort to meet someone, it usually goes awry. When I keep to myself, I apparently give off some kind of cool vibe that makes me interesting and approachable. So with that in mind, I’m looking at a Spring/Summer season full of functions and events that could bring any number of possibilities…as long as I bring my book and keep my cool!

London Clubbing

OK, so first of all, I have to say that I feel as if I went in the opposite direction as you, Scott…

Let me explain that. Years ago I gave up on going out to bars and clubs to meet men… I did meet men, but I wasn’t interested. The kind of guy I like doesn’t go around bars trying to pick up women. That said, a friend here really wanted to go out and pick up guys, so I sighed and agreed to do it. Why? Well, part of me was hoping London clubs would be different from those in other cities. Another part of me kind of knew that this would be nothing more but a social experiment using myself as the guinea pig.

We started early, since there was a poetry reading in the afternoon she was interested in. It was going to be in a room above a pub… Poetry above a pub… promising, right? Never, and I repeat, never, get sucked into that one. If someone with a book published can’t find any space other than the room above a pub, bets are that the book is self published. And not any good. And the reading is full of his aspiring-poet friends (all, including the author, above 50). Who also read some of their stuff. And want our phone numbers, “in case there’s another reading.”

Two whiskeys (on the rocks) got me through that. Then we walked to a pub in the hipper part of London. Full, very full. Mostly, full of groups of teens (they are allowed to drink at 18 here). No one mingles, nothing interesting. Two more whiskeys.

The next stop was a night club, one of the best known (the Old Queen’s Head). It was around, which would have been way too early to start clubbing elsewhere, but hey, London. I’m getting used to it. The place was far from full, but there were no tables left. That was okay, we wanted to dance anyway. Two more whiskeys.By 10, the place was packed, and pretty diverse… Lots of groups of men looking to pick up girls. And a few interesting men… sort of… not really. Also, the Brits are terrible dancers. And the DJ wasn’t helping. Another whiskey.

Lesson learned: Don’t do that again. You will meet interesting men anywhere but clubs.

Tips for men, if you still want to pick up a girl while clubbing:

1. If you have a girlfriend, what’s wrong with you? On that note, please don’t try to pick up a girl while your girlfriend is in the bathroom, or dancing. She will notice at some point. And I hope she drops you!

2. Don’t drink Corona unless you’re at the beach (and if you’re in Mexico, don’t drink Corona, there are much better beers we keep to ourselves). Especially if you’re in the UK, on a cold spring night, don’t drink Corona at a club. Pick any other beer. And don’t put a wedge of lime in it.

3. If you can’t dance, say so, because no matter how many times you tell us that you love dancing, it shows you’ve avoided doing it all your life.

4. Has a girl ever, ever told you how cool those white loafers look? No? Guess why…

5. Bathe! We do have a sense of smell, you know (and we can tell that it’s not just from the dancing tonight).

That said, the bouncer (who “chatted me up” as we were weaving our way out of the club) was a cool guy… He agreed when I told him they should not have amateur DJ’s on a Saturday night.

Oh, and I managed to make the last train home on the tube, which is great, because I was way too drunk to figure out the night busses.