Pre-Holiday Advice Response

Sabina,

I do believe “Eric” is actually Latin for “Lazy Blogger”, so give me a friggin’ break!!! HE HE HE

No, I don’t actually have those problems. My family decided I was lame a long time ago and just don’t expect anything out of me.

I do actually have the problem of hating being alone for the holidays though. Not that I’m not happy with being single. I really am way too good at being single.

No. What I have a problem with is the holiday kissing traditions! You know, the mistletoe and the New-Years-Eve-spit-swap. I have never actually had the opportunity to take part in any of those traditions! (at least I don’t remember any, which tells you how lame my dating life has been, since I know I’ve had at least one girlfriend during the holidays)

As for advice for you…

I say buck up and deal with it this year. No drinking. No drugging. Just take it and say thank you! Because, the simple fact is that the only people that are bothering with the questions obviously don’t know you or your life. So they don’t f-ing matter! Besides, it will make the flight to London that much sweeter, knowing that you have thousands of miles of ocean between you and the questions!

And heck, if you don’t like that idea, well… I’ll give you my phone number. They can call and talk to me. I’ll be your American lover that met you on an impetuous trip to Mexico City! The distance and family obligations here kept me from making it down there during the holidays.

You can tell them I’m planning on meeting you in London, as I too will be going to University in England. It’s a small Welsh school of animal husbandry (I’m hoping to breed Peruvian Inca Orchids for use as sled-dogs) that you have forgotten the name of. Tell them I am very good with children, but very unsure about my ability to father any thanks to a unicycle accident as a child.

We can work on the backstory more later. I’m thinking Indiana Jones meets Bridget Jones Diary.

Still single and looking forward to breeding South American dogs in England!

Scott Eric Weaver

Stop Looking!

Got some advice from a good, and very jaded, friend tonight on how to get women (she’s a woman) that was essentially “stop looking”. This isn’t bad advice… for people that aren’t me!

OK. So, here’s the deal. I have spent most of my life “not” looking for a mate. Really, I have. I figured that I would just meet her, randomly, like in a movie. It didn’t work (or, at least, hasn’t so far).

I always thought it was because I couldn’t tell when women were interested. Because I didn’t walk up and randomly hit on women. And most importantly because I didn’t go to college (and therefore never learned the art of picking up chicks).

As it turns out, I was almost right.

Sure, all of those things have a bearing on whether or not I meet “the one” (or even “you’ll do”). But even taken together, the likelihood of not meeting someone is really unlikely! I mean, random things happen every day, right! Given my interactions with women, I was bound to screw up eventually and actually meet someone!

Nope!

And I’ve come to a realization over the years as to why that is. It’s my personality! I have a pretty good one. I’m nice and non-threatening. I care and I listen. Sure, I make a fair number of rude and/or off-color remarks (I am a “perpetual line stepper” according to my friend Travis), but it’s all in fun. People like me.

Do you see the problem yet? No? Well, put it all together…

I am:
girl’s-interested challenged
pick-up-on-chicks challenged
collegiately-dating challenged
nice
non-threatening
funny
a listener
I care

“What’s that spell!!!” (sorry, cheerleader fantasy come true)

I’ll tell you what that spells! One of two things. I’m either:
A: Gay
B: Married

I am, and have never been, either of those!

So what do I do? If I go out looking for the girl, I don’t seem to find her. If I don’t look for the girl, she doesn’t find me!

Damnit! Why is life so difficult!!!

Still single and having a hard time choosing between the assless chaps or a wedding ring,

Scott

Dating: Let’s try this again . . .

Yep, that’s right, I may actually have another date! Pretty amazing, really, after you consider the disaster of the last one! And this time, it’s going to be different! I’m not fooling around on this one. We’re actually going to talk! We’re going to get to know each other! If we connect, it’s going to be on an emotional and intellectual level, not on a purely physical one.

And just how am I going to do this? Simple. I’m going to follow the advice of “Something About Mary” and take care of the situation before it takes care of me. You heard me right. I’m going to “release” the sexual tension prior to the date, so that I am assured to maintain the proper brain blood levels required for thoughtful, inquisitive, and intelligent conversation. No more penis-brain for me! Those are the dates of the past!

Look out women! I’m coming for you! And I’m pulling out all the stops this time!

Still single,

Scott

P.S. What do sex, love, and dating have in common? They’re usually all short-lived, intense, and end in a mess!