2010 WNBR Portland Photos — Warning! SINSFTS (Some Images Not Safe For The Sighted)

OK, so I said I would post photos…

I may regret this…

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Of course, you might regret that too…

Still single and completely laying the blame on the damn sun and Burger King!

Scott

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The Art Of… The Date Fart

We’ve all been there. You’re on a date, sitting across from the mate-of-the-week, when you have a need to express yourself in a very unattractive manner!

So, what do you do? Do you squeeze-cheeks in hopes of forcing this unwanted guest back where it came from? Do you let fly with a fake cough and hope that the aftereffects don’t give away the true nature of your coughing fit? Do you attempt the often disastrous controlled-clench-squeal maneuver?

Well, my friends, I’m here to tell you there’s a better way! That’s right, I can promise you that with a few hours practice and concentration, you can escape the embarrassment of the date fart, 95% of the time! No more p-p-punctuated jogs to the bathroom! No more ass-whistlers! No more liftoffs in need of a NASA countdown!!! Just whisper-quiet wafts of waste air!

How? You ask? Simple! You just need to master the crack-spreading sphincter-shift! Here’s how you do it:

From a seated position, gently lift your weight off of one cheek (it’s best to user your dominant cheek) and while keeping pressure on the other, shift away from the seated-cheek. Once you have achieved maximum spread, return the lifted cheek to the seat and come back to a centered position until both cheeks are equally spread.

With me so far? You should now have a definite gap between both cheeks. Once the spread has been achieved, lean forward (as if you’re interested in something they are saying, but not too interested, you don’t want to draw attention) until you feel the trajectory of gas will cause it to skip off of the seat between your cheeks, rather then bubble and explode against the seat.

Now comes the tough part! With a steady, but not too strong, colonic pressure, relax the sphincter and let the air woosh out in a gentle breeze! Keep the pressure on and the angle right until you are sure it has all escaped!

And there you have it! The crack-spreading sphincter-shift! Gas is gone, slowly dispersed without a single date disturbed!

Now, a few words of warning!

Never apply too much pressure! This will cause a fart-flutter of the anus and can lead to excessive noise and spluttering!

Never release the sphincter until proper spread and angle have been achieved! Doing so could cause a bubble-whistle, or worse, cheek-flap incident!

Practice this maneuver in the privacy of your own home! Preferably, to begin with, when you are alone! Without proper training, you run the risk of embarrassing yourself in public, or worse, having to buy an emergency pair of underwear from the corner convenience store!

Never, and I mean never, practice under the influence of cabbage!!! Cabbage kills, people! Cabbage kills!

Now get out there and make me proud!

Still single and farting without their knowledge,

Scott

The Choice — A Half-Assed Response

Hi! I’m Lefty, Scott’s left butt cheek, and it has always been my choice to live a life of freedom. But as I grow older I have come to the realization that I’m missing out on a lot of things that life has to offer.

Now, I’m not saying that the life I live today is not a good one. Quite the contrary, I thoroughly enjoy my life. I can bare all when I feel like it, and don’t have to ask permission. When I’m feeling sensitive I can wrap myself in a nice pair of jeans! And I’ve got my best friend Righty with my all the time! It’s just that a best friend is only a best friend. Sure, Righty and I just blow with the wind whenever we feel a breeze and have really grown attached to each other over the years, but it would be nice to cuddle cheek-to-cheek with someone else, you know? To leave an imprint on the world with someone new. And, hey, a guy needs a little slap and tickle now and then to really feel alive! Righty just can’t provide that! Even something as simple as a warm palm in my pocket as we walk the boardwalk would be nice. I want the simple things in life. To be fondled while shaking it on the dance floor. The amorous pinch that makes me tingle with excitement. Maybe even the feeling of little hands hanging from my pocket! I just need something new. I need something fresh!

So, maybe freedom has been my choice up until now, but I think that’s changed. I still need a buddy! That goes without saying. Righty and I will always be close, but, in the end, I think I need more. I need more then just someone to bum around with. I need someone that is sweet, yet firm. Someone that can help carry the load and yet soft enough to cushion the blows when we get knocked down. Someone that I can just shoot the shit with and that won’t get all uptight when I’m a little cheeky!

I guess I’m just looking love.

Is that too much to ask? Or am I just making an ass of myself?

Still single,

Lefty