Incommunicado: The Art of Bad Relationships

Okay, let’s be honest. How many times have you said one thing to a partner but were thinking something else? Have you ever actually had the thought, or worse, said, “Could you just wait until the [game, show, decade] is over?” during a conversation? Have you ever been accused of not listening?

I know I have. The question is why? Why aren’t we honest, upfront, and real with the partners in our lives? Is it because we get bored? Do we actually lose interest? Are we all just a bunch of douche-bag-idiots determined to screw up our own lives?

Or is it something else?

Being single, I’ve had hours to ponder this question (nothing, and no one, to do will do that to you), and I think I may have discovered a reason, or at least a reasonable excuse, as to why we do this in matters of love. It’s the act of dating, or early courtship, that screws most of us up!

Why dating? Simple. All of us manipulate ourselves to better fit our perceived ideas of what the other wants in a partner. We hide, lie, or hold back the truth about the things we don’t like about ourselves. We push the things that unite us, and stuff those that don’t in a dark closet with the rest of our secret desires, our unfulfilled wants and needs, our unmentionables. We do it easily, and often, and we call it compromise. But, in reality, what it is false advertising. It’s the human equivalent of infomercials. Sure, it slices, it dices, it squirts mustard with the push of a button, but after a year and 4 uses, will you feel it was worth it? Did you really need something that only fulfilled part of your needs? Do you miss the things you stuffed in a drawer to forget?

This is what we do people! We start off not communicating! We don’t offer-up the real me because of the fear that the other person won’t like the real me. We hide our true selves just to have parts and pieces of us loved. Sometimes we do it to just fulfill a physical need. And we do it over, and over, and over again, because we know, we just know, that no one would want the real me.

You know you do it. We all do. Even the best of us are completely screwed up. And the reality is that this unfortunate flaw is built into the very core of our being. We will never change. We will always have difficulty communicating. But it doesn’t mean we have to do it blindly. It doesn’t mean we have to hide everything. It doesn’t mean we have to be afraid of being ourselves.

It means we have to be as much of our real selves as possible. It means we have to let others be as much or their real selves as possible. It means knowing yourself. It means being honest, telling the truth, and dealing with things when they do come up in as rational a manner as possible.

It means communicating.

Still single and unable to talk to girls,

Scott

!!!GIDDY!!!

So… the girl from the blind date read my last blog (I gave it to my friend and she passed it along). Only problem is that it made her feel kind of bad and me look like I was desperately impatient. And now that I re-read it from her perspective, I feel bad! Cause I can totally see her point.

Sure, I started off with the “Oh me! Oh my! How lame, oh lame, am I?” crap, but at the end it could easily be interpreted like I was putting it all on her by saying she now had my contact info but hadn’t contacted me! Like that’s fair! I’m the lame one that didn’t talk to her on our date! And, of course, that wasn’t what I meant (famous last words)! The part about her not contacting me yet was there for dramatic affect. Anyone that knows me knows I do that!

Oh, but wait, she doesn’t know me! I didn’t talk to her! How could she know that?

You know, sometimes, I can be really stupid!

But, there is a silver lining! We do still have the second date planned. It looks like it will be sooner then I originally thought (YAY!). And, best of all, she’s still looking forward to it! (thus the title of this post)

So, blind date girl (no I’m not giving you guys her name), if you happen to read this, please understand that while I may be an idiot at times, I’m usually a well-intentioned idiot. And, that I’m sorry for not talking to you in the first place. I promise, I totally plan on talking to you on our next date! In fact, I stopped on my way home tonight and bought some Miracle Grow (I checked, it says it works on nuts) just to make sure!

Still single… but hoping!

Scott

Oh, and just to clarify, this is not desperately impatient. This is anxious and excited.

OK… I really have to shut-up now!

Stop Looking!

Got some advice from a good, and very jaded, friend tonight on how to get women (she’s a woman) that was essentially “stop looking”. This isn’t bad advice… for people that aren’t me!

OK. So, here’s the deal. I have spent most of my life “not” looking for a mate. Really, I have. I figured that I would just meet her, randomly, like in a movie. It didn’t work (or, at least, hasn’t so far).

I always thought it was because I couldn’t tell when women were interested. Because I didn’t walk up and randomly hit on women. And most importantly because I didn’t go to college (and therefore never learned the art of picking up chicks).

As it turns out, I was almost right.

Sure, all of those things have a bearing on whether or not I meet “the one” (or even “you’ll do”). But even taken together, the likelihood of not meeting someone is really unlikely! I mean, random things happen every day, right! Given my interactions with women, I was bound to screw up eventually and actually meet someone!

Nope!

And I’ve come to a realization over the years as to why that is. It’s my personality! I have a pretty good one. I’m nice and non-threatening. I care and I listen. Sure, I make a fair number of rude and/or off-color remarks (I am a “perpetual line stepper” according to my friend Travis), but it’s all in fun. People like me.

Do you see the problem yet? No? Well, put it all together…

I am:
girl’s-interested challenged
pick-up-on-chicks challenged
collegiately-dating challenged
nice
non-threatening
funny
a listener
I care

“What’s that spell!!!” (sorry, cheerleader fantasy come true)

I’ll tell you what that spells! One of two things. I’m either:
A: Gay
B: Married

I am, and have never been, either of those!

So what do I do? If I go out looking for the girl, I don’t seem to find her. If I don’t look for the girl, she doesn’t find me!

Damnit! Why is life so difficult!!!

Still single and having a hard time choosing between the assless chaps or a wedding ring,

Scott

Dating Sucks! Sucks! Sucks! [Updated]

Where’s the damn chemistry? Where’s the magic? Where’s the love?

So I’ve been on a number of dates the last month or so, with some very nice girls, and yet the only “spark” of chemistry I felt lasted a whole 2 dates! Am I really that picky?

And why do I always feel like I’m hurting the nice ones? They deserve to be happy just as much as I do. I just don’t feel it and they always seem to! Why?

Maybe I’m really not a nice guy. Maybe I’m really just a jackass in really-nice-guy clothing.

Damn it! Why isn’t love like the movies! That would be so much better. And easier. And funner! (Well, as long as it wasn’t a drama. Then I might cry and that would be bad. Stupid drama’s!)

Still single and thinkin’ I need a hobby,

Scott

[UPDATE] Just found out that the girl I told today that we had no chemistry not only had that to deal with, but also got hit by a drunk driver with no insurance, has been on a morphine pump because of it all evening, and had her puppy run away! Maybe I’m not a jackass. Maybe I’m the devil.

Still single and now feeling really really bad,
S.