What If… The Post

Hey!! It’s the new game where I come up with random scenarios (that in no way represent me or my life) and you respond with what you would do!!! Yay!!!

So tell all your friends!! (Really, I’m not kidding! Tell them!)

Here’s the first one!

THE POST

It’s a Friday night, you’re alone, and the wine you had earlier has gone to your head (you know you shouldn’t have opened that second bottle). When suddenly, in a fit of latent sexual need and no conscience, you post an ad in the “Casual Encounters” section of Craigslist…

Then next morning, after you’ve washed away the wine-drool from last night, cleaned up the two empty bottles of wine, scrubbed away the faint red circles all over your counters, and thrown away the Taco Bell wrappers of a meal you don’t remember ever getting, you decide you had better check your email. But when you wake your computer, you find your browser still open to Craigslist, and it says…

Thank you for posting “Screw it! Screw me!!!”

“That’s right! I said it! Screw me! Yeah, I may not be in the best of shape, and I may not be the hottest thing in town, but I’m willing and available all weekend!!! So respond with a picture and let’s get it on!!!

Sincerely,

Do Me!!!”

After a few choice expletives, you check your email, and there it is, a response…

“Re: Screw it! Screw me!!!

Are you for real? Because if you are… well, here’s a picture of me. What do you think?”

You scroll down to see the picture and… wow, they’re actually cute.

What do you do?

Still single and now making shit up!!!

Scott

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The Choice — A Half-Assed Response

Hi! I’m Lefty, Scott’s left butt cheek, and it has always been my choice to live a life of freedom. But as I grow older I have come to the realization that I’m missing out on a lot of things that life has to offer.

Now, I’m not saying that the life I live today is not a good one. Quite the contrary, I thoroughly enjoy my life. I can bare all when I feel like it, and don’t have to ask permission. When I’m feeling sensitive I can wrap myself in a nice pair of jeans! And I’ve got my best friend Righty with my all the time! It’s just that a best friend is only a best friend. Sure, Righty and I just blow with the wind whenever we feel a breeze and have really grown attached to each other over the years, but it would be nice to cuddle cheek-to-cheek with someone else, you know? To leave an imprint on the world with someone new. And, hey, a guy needs a little slap and tickle now and then to really feel alive! Righty just can’t provide that! Even something as simple as a warm palm in my pocket as we walk the boardwalk would be nice. I want the simple things in life. To be fondled while shaking it on the dance floor. The amorous pinch that makes me tingle with excitement. Maybe even the feeling of little hands hanging from my pocket! I just need something new. I need something fresh!

So, maybe freedom has been my choice up until now, but I think that’s changed. I still need a buddy! That goes without saying. Righty and I will always be close, but, in the end, I think I need more. I need more then just someone to bum around with. I need someone that is sweet, yet firm. Someone that can help carry the load and yet soft enough to cushion the blows when we get knocked down. Someone that I can just shoot the shit with and that won’t get all uptight when I’m a little cheeky!

I guess I’m just looking love.

Is that too much to ask? Or am I just making an ass of myself?

Still single,

Lefty

A Good Date

What makes a good date? I think the obvious component of chemistry is necessary, but then what? If you have fantastic chemistry with someone, is it enough to sit on a park bench and mumble obscenities about the joggers running by in tiny shorts? I’m talking about a first date here. I could easily sit with a good friend and mumble obscenities for hours on end! But if we’re talking about that all-important first date, what is required?

Interaction, of course. I mean, that other person ought to show some interest in my life. They don’t have to memorize the details of my family tree, but I’d like them to have some idea of what I do for a living by the end of the night. Does there have to be some physical contact? And how much? I mean, I enjoy someone who is willing to be near me, but sometimes a kiss seems forced if it isn’t natural. And sometimes I’m ready to hop into bed after a two hour date, but sometimes it’s totally inappropriate. Do you have to had the late night conversation that lasts until dawn?

What makes a really great first date?

The List: An Explanation

Hello to all my readers that reside in their Black and White worlds! This is Scott, coming to you live from a world of color!

As I’m sure most of you are aware, I recently posted a blog with partial list of my wants in a mate. Well, based on the responses that post has generated, it has come to my attention that I have some ‘splainin’ to do! So, for those living in their black and white worlds, before you read this, you may want to put on some safety glasses or a rain poncho, because I wouldn’t want my world bleeding into, and making a blurry mess of, your well defined, yes or no, world.

Let me start off by stating the obvious. I don’t know what I want in a mate. That list of wants you took so literally do not, will not, can not, and should not be read as a definition of the person that I am looking for, wanting, or should even be with. It was just a list of wants. It was a list based on the laziest-of-lazy logic and emotion. And, as with all wants, it meant nothing.

That’s right! I said it! Wants are worthless, pointless, and mean absolutely nothing! Wants are not based on fact, or sound logic, and shouldn’t be taken as such. Wants, at their best, are based on the weakest data possible, past personal experiences. At their worst, they’re based on imagined, or second-hand, experience. The only way wants could ever be meaningful and literal is if you had experienced everything, and I do mean everything, that has, or will, ever happen. I don’t know about your worlds, but in mine, that’s a flat-out impossibility.

So, then, why did I even bother making the list? Easy. Because even though they mean nothing, I still have them, and yes, still rely on them to guide me.

Does that mean I take them literally? OH HELL NO! For one thing, if you could see that list through my eyes, you would notice that each word is a different shade of color, with a different level of intensity, and are written in a variety of text sizes. Some of the words would be big, bold, and obvious while others would be miniscule and nearly invisible. And even then, the list would mean nothing, because I don’t know what I want. I just haven’t experienced enough to be definitive.

So why write this post? Because I want to be absolutely certain that everyone knows that the only thing I am absolutely sure of is that I am absolutely sure of nothing! In fact, I am so sure that I am sure of nothing, that I can’t even guarantee that the person I do end up with won’t match that list perfectly. Who knows, maybe I will meet a person that fits that list. And what if they do match that list? Does it mean I should, or even want, to be with them? No. So stop taking things so literally, damn-it! I don’t know what I’m talking about!

Still single and avoiding things I don’t think I want,

Scott

Sabina, get out of my head!

I know, weird title, but really, Sabina, would you please stop using my arguments for being single! I mean, come on, I have always been the one that says, “Well, I don’t know where I’ll be in…”, and “I would, but I really like the flexibility of…” I’m the one that pays too much in rent because of the what ifs. What if I buy something and then actually do meet someone and they don’t like the house? Or what if I buy a house and then lose my job and I find another job, somewhere else, and I can’t take it because I have the house I bought?

This is my head! These are my excuses! Stop it!

As for the commitment thing, I’m not afraid of commitment. Never have been, never will be, and I don’t think you are either. What I’m afraid of is committing to the wrong thing. I’m not looking for just anyone, like most people seem to be. I’m looking for “The One”. I’m not going to settle. Period. I like who I am far too much to just settle for the next girl that looks my way. I want someone just as unstable and perfectly fucked-up as I am.

Is that too much to ask for? Probably. But it’s not going to stop me from trying. And I think that’s what you’re doing. Like me, your happiness is far too important to just throw away on any ol’ guy. You’re not going to settle until you find “The One” either. Unfortunately for us, that means there are probably 5,999,999,999 “Not The Ones” out there just looking to screw things up. We’ll just have to wade through the muck and hope we don’t meet any land-mines on the way.

So, in short, keep your head up and keep looking! They’re out there somewhere. I’m sure of it. (At least there better be, or what the hell are we bothering ourselves over!)

And enjoy the benefits as much as possible. Sure, it’s like playing with dynamite, and you might get a little damaged when things do blow up, but what’s life without a little risk?

Okay, now get out of my head!

Still single,

Scott

P.S. I still think friendship and sex can lead to a lasting relationship. I just don’t think it can lead to what we’re looking for. I think what we need is best-friendship and sex. We need a life-long partner in crime that likes to have sex with us to! In fact, I think I’ll refer to this (as of yet imaginary) person as my BFFF (Best Fuck-Friend Forever). S.