Balls On A Bicycle Seat

This is not just a horrible mental image, it’s also my future… well, sort of.

You see, we here in the Northwest (Portland & Seattle specifically) have joined in the wild and crazy event called the World Naked Bike Ride! And, yes, it’s exactly as it sounds; naked (or near-naked, the official motto is “As bare as you dare”) people riding bicycles! It’s all to promote riding bikes, reducing pollution, and having fun! And it really is an amazing thing to see. This year it’s taking place on June 19th!!!

In Portland, the first official ride was 2004 with just a handful of people, but it’s grown every year. In 2007 there were 800 riders, 2008 saw 2000, and last year we had 5000 riders! This year the expectation is near 10,000!!! That’s a lot of skin, let me tell you! It’s an amazing thing to watch thousands of nearly naked people riding through the streets of downtown Portland, stopping traffic, with hundreds of spectators lining the route!

Last year I just watched and took pictures, but this year I’m taking part! (Thanks for the bike, Dad!)

That’s right, I’m going to be riding, nearly-naked (I fear chaffing and pinching, not showing the goods), with thousands of other like-minded (and less dressed) people!

What am I wearing? Well, I haven’t bought it yet, but…

Shoes
Socks
Helmet
Neon-Pink Thong
Pink Tutu
Pink Fairy Wings
and a Wand (No, not like that! A real fake-wand, that I will carry in my hand!)

What’s the theme?

I’m going to be a “Hairy” Godmother!

My real concern is, do you think the chicks will dig it?

Would you talk to a “Hairy” Godmother?

Why do I feel like I’m going to attract suitors, not senoritas?

Maybe I should re-think the outfit…

Still single, and worried I may be attracting the wrong crowd,

Scott

P.S. if you want to join in, here’s a couple links to find out more!

http://www.worldnakedbikeride.org/
http://www.shift2bikes.org/wnbr/min.php
http://wiki.worldnakedbikeride.org/index.php?title=Portland

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Stop Looking!

Got some advice from a good, and very jaded, friend tonight on how to get women (she’s a woman) that was essentially “stop looking”. This isn’t bad advice… for people that aren’t me!

OK. So, here’s the deal. I have spent most of my life “not” looking for a mate. Really, I have. I figured that I would just meet her, randomly, like in a movie. It didn’t work (or, at least, hasn’t so far).

I always thought it was because I couldn’t tell when women were interested. Because I didn’t walk up and randomly hit on women. And most importantly because I didn’t go to college (and therefore never learned the art of picking up chicks).

As it turns out, I was almost right.

Sure, all of those things have a bearing on whether or not I meet “the one” (or even “you’ll do”). But even taken together, the likelihood of not meeting someone is really unlikely! I mean, random things happen every day, right! Given my interactions with women, I was bound to screw up eventually and actually meet someone!

Nope!

And I’ve come to a realization over the years as to why that is. It’s my personality! I have a pretty good one. I’m nice and non-threatening. I care and I listen. Sure, I make a fair number of rude and/or off-color remarks (I am a “perpetual line stepper” according to my friend Travis), but it’s all in fun. People like me.

Do you see the problem yet? No? Well, put it all together…

I am:
girl’s-interested challenged
pick-up-on-chicks challenged
collegiately-dating challenged
nice
non-threatening
funny
a listener
I care

“What’s that spell!!!” (sorry, cheerleader fantasy come true)

I’ll tell you what that spells! One of two things. I’m either:
A: Gay
B: Married

I am, and have never been, either of those!

So what do I do? If I go out looking for the girl, I don’t seem to find her. If I don’t look for the girl, she doesn’t find me!

Damnit! Why is life so difficult!!!

Still single and having a hard time choosing between the assless chaps or a wedding ring,

Scott