Sunny-Side Up

As I posted earlier, I’m planning on doing this World Naked Bike Ride. Well, it dawned on me yesterday (while at the bar preaching on the virtues of riding a bicycle naked) that I was lacking color on much of that that would be on display during the ride. In other words, the only thing distinguishing my torso from a snow field was chest hair!

Well, me being the brilliant man that I am, I thought I would take advantage of the 85 degree weather to get some color! Good idea, right? Yeah, I thought so to!

So, I lathered on the sunscreen, grabbed my kindle, and headed to the pool! It was glorious! Sunny with a cool breeze and a great book (Lamb, the Gospel of Biff, by Christiphor Moore)! I was gonna read, get some sun, expand my sexual appeal, and relax!

And I did! In fact, the book was soooo good I just kept reading… for two hours… until I had finished!

Girls like pink, right?

The Sunburn

This is what HOT looks like!

Still single… pink for sure… but still single!

Scott

P.S. Did you know that sunscreen has an expiration date? Yeah, me either!

The Art Of… The Date Fart

We’ve all been there. You’re on a date, sitting across from the mate-of-the-week, when you have a need to express yourself in a very unattractive manner!

So, what do you do? Do you squeeze-cheeks in hopes of forcing this unwanted guest back where it came from? Do you let fly with a fake cough and hope that the aftereffects don’t give away the true nature of your coughing fit? Do you attempt the often disastrous controlled-clench-squeal maneuver?

Well, my friends, I’m here to tell you there’s a better way! That’s right, I can promise you that with a few hours practice and concentration, you can escape the embarrassment of the date fart, 95% of the time! No more p-p-punctuated jogs to the bathroom! No more ass-whistlers! No more liftoffs in need of a NASA countdown!!! Just whisper-quiet wafts of waste air!

How? You ask? Simple! You just need to master the crack-spreading sphincter-shift! Here’s how you do it:

From a seated position, gently lift your weight off of one cheek (it’s best to user your dominant cheek) and while keeping pressure on the other, shift away from the seated-cheek. Once you have achieved maximum spread, return the lifted cheek to the seat and come back to a centered position until both cheeks are equally spread.

With me so far? You should now have a definite gap between both cheeks. Once the spread has been achieved, lean forward (as if you’re interested in something they are saying, but not too interested, you don’t want to draw attention) until you feel the trajectory of gas will cause it to skip off of the seat between your cheeks, rather then bubble and explode against the seat.

Now comes the tough part! With a steady, but not too strong, colonic pressure, relax the sphincter and let the air woosh out in a gentle breeze! Keep the pressure on and the angle right until you are sure it has all escaped!

And there you have it! The crack-spreading sphincter-shift! Gas is gone, slowly dispersed without a single date disturbed!

Now, a few words of warning!

Never apply too much pressure! This will cause a fart-flutter of the anus and can lead to excessive noise and spluttering!

Never release the sphincter until proper spread and angle have been achieved! Doing so could cause a bubble-whistle, or worse, cheek-flap incident!

Practice this maneuver in the privacy of your own home! Preferably, to begin with, when you are alone! Without proper training, you run the risk of embarrassing yourself in public, or worse, having to buy an emergency pair of underwear from the corner convenience store!

Never, and I mean never, practice under the influence of cabbage!!! Cabbage kills, people! Cabbage kills!

Now get out there and make me proud!

Still single and farting without their knowledge,

Scott

Valentine’s Day

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
You have a Valentine’s date,
But I have two!

Still single, and bringing a whole new meaning to “Double Fisting”,

Scott

Incommunicado: The Art of Bad Relationships

Okay, let’s be honest. How many times have you said one thing to a partner but were thinking something else? Have you ever actually had the thought, or worse, said, “Could you just wait until the [game, show, decade] is over?” during a conversation? Have you ever been accused of not listening?

I know I have. The question is why? Why aren’t we honest, upfront, and real with the partners in our lives? Is it because we get bored? Do we actually lose interest? Are we all just a bunch of douche-bag-idiots determined to screw up our own lives?

Or is it something else?

Being single, I’ve had hours to ponder this question (nothing, and no one, to do will do that to you), and I think I may have discovered a reason, or at least a reasonable excuse, as to why we do this in matters of love. It’s the act of dating, or early courtship, that screws most of us up!

Why dating? Simple. All of us manipulate ourselves to better fit our perceived ideas of what the other wants in a partner. We hide, lie, or hold back the truth about the things we don’t like about ourselves. We push the things that unite us, and stuff those that don’t in a dark closet with the rest of our secret desires, our unfulfilled wants and needs, our unmentionables. We do it easily, and often, and we call it compromise. But, in reality, what it is false advertising. It’s the human equivalent of infomercials. Sure, it slices, it dices, it squirts mustard with the push of a button, but after a year and 4 uses, will you feel it was worth it? Did you really need something that only fulfilled part of your needs? Do you miss the things you stuffed in a drawer to forget?

This is what we do people! We start off not communicating! We don’t offer-up the real me because of the fear that the other person won’t like the real me. We hide our true selves just to have parts and pieces of us loved. Sometimes we do it to just fulfill a physical need. And we do it over, and over, and over again, because we know, we just know, that no one would want the real me.

You know you do it. We all do. Even the best of us are completely screwed up. And the reality is that this unfortunate flaw is built into the very core of our being. We will never change. We will always have difficulty communicating. But it doesn’t mean we have to do it blindly. It doesn’t mean we have to hide everything. It doesn’t mean we have to be afraid of being ourselves.

It means we have to be as much of our real selves as possible. It means we have to let others be as much or their real selves as possible. It means knowing yourself. It means being honest, telling the truth, and dealing with things when they do come up in as rational a manner as possible.

It means communicating.

Still single and unable to talk to girls,

Scott

What’s In A Kiss?

What is a kiss? Is it a lip-locking, tongue-thrusting, mouth-watering pressure-packed-punch of passion-producing-probing? Or is it soft, sweet, and sensual? Where do your hands go? Are your eyes open? Do you nibble?

I want to know! So, answer the damn polls!!!

Scott
(polls are also available on the Polls Page.)


















































Great Date, Shitty Morning

Ok, first off, despite all that happened to me today, last night’s date was great!

I had a blast at the strip club last night. We laughed at the table, talked over a naked girl at the rack, and I got her number!!! Woo hoo!!!!!

And she loved my origami dollar bill rose (which she gave to our favorite stripper)!!!

Yes, I spent too much money, but it (she) was worth it.

Will there be more? I don’t know, to early to say. I sure hope so!

Now, to the shit!

I woke up this morning to the sound of a blaring alarm. In fact, my entire complex woke up to that alarm. We thought it was a fire alarm. It wasn’t, it was a fire-supression alarm. You see, the crackhead (literal, unknown to everyone in the building until the firefighters broke into the apartment and found 1 card table, 1 chair, 1 mattress, and about 1000 cigarette lighters and crack pipes) that lives uses the place above me (he doesn’t live there, just visits to smoke crack) didn’t have any heat on. Due to the lack of heat, one of the sprinkler-heads froze and burst, showering thousands of gallons of water down on my place. It took them an hour to shut off the water.

My place is ruined. The whole place is going to have to be gutted and redone.

BTW, you might want to wrap your electronics in plastic, water apparently has a magnetic attraction to electronics, because it managed to find all of mine. Yep, everything, 6 external hard drives, 5.1 speakers, 5 computers, 3 mice, 2 monitors, 2 portable dvd players, sound system, dvr, dvd player, wireless router, Nintendo Wii, and my 42 inch plasma TV.

Do I have renters insurance? Yes. Will it cover it all? I don’t know yet. Will I have to move out? While the repairs are going on, yes. Do I want to live there now? After it’s redone and brand new, yes! Does this suck giant donkey balls? Uh… that’s affirmative!

So, I have to apologize for not giving more information on the date. I know it deserves it, and I have more to tell, but for right now, this will have to do. Will I update you about it later? Probably not about this date, since I’m sans computer (I’m writing this from my dad’s new 27 inch iMac) for the foreseeable future, but anything new you will hear about.

Now, if only Sabina and Chrissey would live dramatic lives like mine (well, not just like mine, leave out the water bit) , maybe you all would actually have something to read!

Still single and now homeless, computerless, and generally stuffless,

Scott

!!!GIDDY!!!

So… the girl from the blind date read my last blog (I gave it to my friend and she passed it along). Only problem is that it made her feel kind of bad and me look like I was desperately impatient. And now that I re-read it from her perspective, I feel bad! Cause I can totally see her point.

Sure, I started off with the “Oh me! Oh my! How lame, oh lame, am I?” crap, but at the end it could easily be interpreted like I was putting it all on her by saying she now had my contact info but hadn’t contacted me! Like that’s fair! I’m the lame one that didn’t talk to her on our date! And, of course, that wasn’t what I meant (famous last words)! The part about her not contacting me yet was there for dramatic affect. Anyone that knows me knows I do that!

Oh, but wait, she doesn’t know me! I didn’t talk to her! How could she know that?

You know, sometimes, I can be really stupid!

But, there is a silver lining! We do still have the second date planned. It looks like it will be sooner then I originally thought (YAY!). And, best of all, she’s still looking forward to it! (thus the title of this post)

So, blind date girl (no I’m not giving you guys her name), if you happen to read this, please understand that while I may be an idiot at times, I’m usually a well-intentioned idiot. And, that I’m sorry for not talking to you in the first place. I promise, I totally plan on talking to you on our next date! In fact, I stopped on my way home tonight and bought some Miracle Grow (I checked, it says it works on nuts) just to make sure!

Still single… but hoping!

Scott

Oh, and just to clarify, this is not desperately impatient. This is anxious and excited.

OK… I really have to shut-up now!