A Big Heart Gets No Love

I think there’s something sincerely wrong with me.

I’m nice. Too nice.

And I care too much.

And it freaks girls out.

That’s right. It freaks the ladies out. So instead of doing what I want to do, which is help, I keep my help to myself. And it eats at me and eats at me.

Why do I worry about people I don’t even really know?

I don’t worry about myself? So why did I drive around tonight looking for a worry stone for someone I barely know? For a worry that she wouldn’t even tell me the cause of? For help that I won’t end up giving because I don’t want to freak her out?

Why do I worry about my friends? Will she get pregnant? Will she find happiness with the new guy? Has he finally found the one?

What the hell’s wrong with me? And how do I change it?

And don’t you dare tell me that women really want a guy like me. That’s bullshit! And you know it!

Still single, and steadily drinking myself into a Friday-night-oblivion,

Scott

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Pre-Holiday Advice Response

Sabina,

I do believe “Eric” is actually Latin for “Lazy Blogger”, so give me a friggin’ break!!! HE HE HE

No, I don’t actually have those problems. My family decided I was lame a long time ago and just don’t expect anything out of me.

I do actually have the problem of hating being alone for the holidays though. Not that I’m not happy with being single. I really am way too good at being single.

No. What I have a problem with is the holiday kissing traditions! You know, the mistletoe and the New-Years-Eve-spit-swap. I have never actually had the opportunity to take part in any of those traditions! (at least I don’t remember any, which tells you how lame my dating life has been, since I know I’ve had at least one girlfriend during the holidays)

As for advice for you…

I say buck up and deal with it this year. No drinking. No drugging. Just take it and say thank you! Because, the simple fact is that the only people that are bothering with the questions obviously don’t know you or your life. So they don’t f-ing matter! Besides, it will make the flight to London that much sweeter, knowing that you have thousands of miles of ocean between you and the questions!

And heck, if you don’t like that idea, well… I’ll give you my phone number. They can call and talk to me. I’ll be your American lover that met you on an impetuous trip to Mexico City! The distance and family obligations here kept me from making it down there during the holidays.

You can tell them I’m planning on meeting you in London, as I too will be going to University in England. It’s a small Welsh school of animal husbandry (I’m hoping to breed Peruvian Inca Orchids for use as sled-dogs) that you have forgotten the name of. Tell them I am very good with children, but very unsure about my ability to father any thanks to a unicycle accident as a child.

We can work on the backstory more later. I’m thinking Indiana Jones meets Bridget Jones Diary.

Still single and looking forward to breeding South American dogs in England!

Scott Eric Weaver

Huntin’ Cougar: Part 2

A huntin’ we will go! A huntin’ we will go! Heigh ho, the dairy-o, a huntin’ we will go!

Welcome back, kiddo’s! Have you all been studying your bibles? Good!

Before we go a huntin’, let’s review what we learned last episode. For our packs we’re going to need our gun (loaded), casual attire (to blend in), your bible (that you’ve been reading), and a ring (to lure the cougar into your trap). Let’s see, we also learned there are lots of cougars out there and we have to be very selective, they live primarily in the hills around a large city, and they have a good coat, nice nails, and pearly-white teeth!

Well, I think that’s everything! Let’s go huntin’!

Okay, once you think you’ve spotted you’re prey (remember, we’re going for the “golden” cougar, not the average neighborhood stray), you’ll need to track ‘er for a while. Stay back, get the lay of the land and watch her from a distance. Calculate your approach. Look for any advantages you might have. Is she alone? (Make sure there are no cubs or spouses lingering about.) Does she look comfortable and healthy? (There’s nothin’ worse then a sick or jumpy cougar, because they can turn on you in a second, and if that happens you won’t stand a chance.)

Good. You’ve finally found your cougar. Now’s the time to use the ring and make a carful approach. The whole she-bang rests on how well you approach your prey. Circle around her and come in from her backside, confident but not too quickly, while slipping on the ring (no hands in pockets, she’s got to see the ring for it to work). Don’t go directly to the prey, you have to work your way into her inner circle first. Just get within a few feet and loiter there, letting her get comfortable to your presence. If you just go straight in she’s liable to tear your head off! And remember, always have an escape route planned out ahead of time and keep your cool, they can smell fear!

Now each situation is different. Here’s a common situation and ways to make first contact.

The Drinking Hole:
If you find yourself at a drinking hole, come up casually beside her and get yourself a drink. It’s what she’s there for and she won’t suspect that you’re actually on the prowl.

Now, depending on the temperament of the cougar, different tactics will get you different results.

Mothering/Nurturing Type:
If she looks to be the mothering/nurturing type, you’re gonna need to look wounded. Not too wounded, you have to maintain a certain dominance and charisma, but a stoic-woundedness, like you’re trying to keep it at bay, will go a long way. Let your ring tell most of your story. Play with your drink. When she’s watching, act like you just noticed your ring (you can even “accidentally” clink it to draw attention) and you just can’t wear it anymore. Slip it off and place it, like it hurt you, a little ways from you. Make sure it’s far enough away to signify the pain of it, but not so far that you’ve given up on it. This will play on their need to fix everything and should draw her in through sympathy. Start conversation with with a mumbled apology about having a “really bad day”. Most of the time they will feed you your story with their questions. Go with it.

The Bitch-Kitty:
If she looks like a true bitch-kitty, you’ll probably have better luck going with the pissed off angle. Slam your ring down. Mumble some mild curse words under your breath. Take long, deep drinks. Act like you need a distraction. Like you are searching for a distraction. Be prepared to let a few minor details of your anger slip through as you “don’t want to talk about it” with her.

Congratulations! Your camo has worked and you’re in her world. Now it’s all up to you. I’ve prepared you as best as I can. It’s time to use the ring and the knowledge gathered from the bible. Don’t be deterred if you’re rebuffed initially, she’s just checking to make sure you’re not a pretender. Be patient but present, make sure she knows you’re there. Remember, each situation and she-beast are different. A lot of your success is going to depend on your ability to adapt, so be ready to change your approach at a moments notice.

Now go make me proud and get yourself a trophy cougar!!! Ain’t nothin’ quite like the first time you get to use your gun on a cougar! Just remember to take lots of pictures! There’s no point in a trophy if you can’t brag about it later!

Join us for our next adventure: Huntin’ Chicks! Where we’ll show you how to get your lips around some tasty tail-feathers!

‘Til next time, remember our motto, “Practice makes perfect”, so keep it up!

Still single,

Scott