Secret Crush

Secret Crush
written and read by Scott Weaver

She’s tall, around 5′ 11′, maybe even 6 foot.
She has raven-black hair that runs straight, all the way down past her shoulder blades.
She’s pale like a winter moon.
She’s beautiful.

She’s not fat, but not skinny.
She has a soft round face with deep-set eyes.
She looks naive, and shy, and wholesome.
She’s quiet.

I see her punching timestamps on receipts a couple of times a week.
Sometimes she goes to lunch with a short, fat, funny-haired old guy from the office.
She wears dark floral skirts that cover her knees and simple flats on her feet.
When she’s cold, she wears a shiny black-suede jacket, tied in the front.
I don’t think she’s noticed, that I’ve noticed, that she’s beautiful.

She’s my secret crush.

I Love Myself

I Love Myself
written and read by Scott Weaver

Oh, I love, I love, I love myself!
Yes, indeed, I do!
I love, I love, I love myself!
And I think that you should to!

Now don’t be coy and subtle with me,
If you think I’m a handsome dude!
Just walk right up and tell me so,
And I’ll say, “How do you do!”

Oh, I love, I love, I love myself!
Yes, indeed, I do!
I love, I love, I love myself!
And I think you’re starting to, to!

Now don’t be all shy and ladylike,
Cause I can’t read that crap either!
If you want my love, you’ll have to prove
That you’re an eager beaver!

Oh, I love, I love, I love myself!
Yes, indeed, I do!
I love, I love, I love myself!
Don’t you love me to?

Now if you really want to be with me,
All you have to do is say, “Hi!
You’re really, really hot and sexy,
And I want you to be my guy!”

Oh, I love, I love, I love myself!
I really, really, do!
But I’m kind of tired of myself,
And I’d like to try-on you!

Now if we meet, and do hook up,
Don’t wait for me to make the move,
Because you see, I’m shy as can be,
And you’ll have to do that to!

Well, I love, I love, I love myself!
You know this to be true!
But for as much as I love myself,
I could really use a screw!

A Post-Feminist Response to Big Heart

I know, I know… Some of us… many of us, have a very hard tome asking for help, or even accepting it if it’s offered. Most of us (usually the same ones) are skittish and flee if a guy shows that he cares too soon (give us a break, we’re the ones who can’t tell someone’s a psycho until it’s too late). All that means many of you end up pretending to be uncaring assholes when, really, you’re not. And we all suffer, too, because deep down, we want you to care, and worry, and be there.

The problem is, our generation was raised by feminists. Whether they were vocal about it or not, whether they took on the cause or not, whether they burned their bras or wore them, our mothers lived in the era when it finally became all right to work, study, be yourself, be an individual, and not just a wife. And so, we all grew up being told that we could do it alone, that we were independent, that we did not need a man to make us complete, or help us in any way. We are the first generation to be enjoying the first fruits of equality, but we are also acutely aware that we aren’t there yet.

And so, can you blame us if we haven’t quite found the balance as individuals yet? If we’re so intent on being strong and independent and complete, able to do it all, that we don’t feel comfortable accepting help, or freak when a guy seems to want to take some of the burden (oh, no, my independence might be next!). I’d add the fact that, while we were being told to be independent, the same mothers were raising all of you to be kind, caring and helpful.

What can I say. We all need to find he balance. And Scott, we really do want guys like you. We just suck at showing it, and we’re incredibly ungrateful. And remember, this admission comes from someone who will not allow guys to open her door (don’t you think I know how to operate the knob.

The Birthday Dilemma

So, tomorrow is my 32nd birthday. 32 years old. No kids. No wife. No girlfriend. Not even a real prospect. Not even a messy divorce to blame it all on. Just me. I’m not the hit-on kinda guy, and everyone know’s it’s the hit-on kinda guy that gets the girl (apparently it’s something about actually talking to them, or so I hear).

So here’s the dilemma, what do I do? I want most of those things (not in that order, obviously) but don’t know how to go about it. I’ve been doing the dating thing and that doesn’t seem to be working out (either they don’t respond or they do respond and I wish they hadn’t). I don’t get hit-on myself. I don’t have a friend pool to really pull from (not to say there aren’t women in the circles I run in that I wouldn’t date, it’s just that their friends, and they’re everyone’s friends, so if it goes bad…). No one sets me up with other people (apparently I am unique — weird — enough that NO one — and I mean NO one — knows anyone that might be right for me). And they’re not coming to my front door.

So what do I do?

God, I don’t even have an ex to hook up with. I’ve already run through that very short list!

Well, I guess I could just run over a girl on my new bike…

Novara Aspen, my new bike.

Novara Aspen, my new bike.

Do you think CPR counts as a first kiss?

Still single and pedaling towards love,

Scott

Sabina, get out of my head!

I know, weird title, but really, Sabina, would you please stop using my arguments for being single! I mean, come on, I have always been the one that says, “Well, I don’t know where I’ll be in…”, and “I would, but I really like the flexibility of…” I’m the one that pays too much in rent because of the what ifs. What if I buy something and then actually do meet someone and they don’t like the house? Or what if I buy a house and then lose my job and I find another job, somewhere else, and I can’t take it because I have the house I bought?

This is my head! These are my excuses! Stop it!

As for the commitment thing, I’m not afraid of commitment. Never have been, never will be, and I don’t think you are either. What I’m afraid of is committing to the wrong thing. I’m not looking for just anyone, like most people seem to be. I’m looking for “The One”. I’m not going to settle. Period. I like who I am far too much to just settle for the next girl that looks my way. I want someone just as unstable and perfectly fucked-up as I am.

Is that too much to ask for? Probably. But it’s not going to stop me from trying. And I think that’s what you’re doing. Like me, your happiness is far too important to just throw away on any ol’ guy. You’re not going to settle until you find “The One” either. Unfortunately for us, that means there are probably 5,999,999,999 “Not The Ones” out there just looking to screw things up. We’ll just have to wade through the muck and hope we don’t meet any land-mines on the way.

So, in short, keep your head up and keep looking! They’re out there somewhere. I’m sure of it. (At least there better be, or what the hell are we bothering ourselves over!)

And enjoy the benefits as much as possible. Sure, it’s like playing with dynamite, and you might get a little damaged when things do blow up, but what’s life without a little risk?

Okay, now get out of my head!

Still single,

Scott

P.S. I still think friendship and sex can lead to a lasting relationship. I just don’t think it can lead to what we’re looking for. I think what we need is best-friendship and sex. We need a life-long partner in crime that likes to have sex with us to! In fact, I think I’ll refer to this (as of yet imaginary) person as my BFFF (Best Fuck-Friend Forever). S.

The Jealous Type

Am I the jealous type? In a relationship? No. Of those in a relationship? No, not really. Of those who are madly in lust/love? Most definitely!!!!

What brings this up? Well, you see, I have this friend…

Let’s call this friend Girl X. Well, Girl X was in a long-term on-and-off-again relationship with this guy, let’s call him Guy A. Well, Girl X and Guy A were getting along alright, but not spectacularly, and were definitely not meant for the long-haul. I know this, because I was a confidant of Girl X. I head all about it. It’s just that she cared for the guy and had problems telling him exactly how she felt. Well, she’s going along with this thing, living day-to-day, and not really feeling it. Always looking for something else. When, along comes Guy Y.

The connection is nearly instantaneous! They had met a couple times before, but for some reason, this time was different. Enough so, that she immediately decided that it was time to buck up and tell Guy A everything. And, to move back home with her parents because it was over between her and Guy A (yes, they lived together). In fact, it was so good that she went on vacation with Guy X for like a week.

So, today, I saw her for the first time since returning from the aforementioned vacation. She was absolutely glowing. It was a morning-after-sex-glow, only brighter! They’re talking about moving. They’re talking about traveling. They’re talking about having fun.

Of this, I am jealous! I am sooooo damn jealous it’s not even funny!

Wy can’t I find this? Why isn’t it me falling madly in love/lust? Where’s my nice/funny/sweet girl?

Oh love, why doth though deny me?

Still single,

Scott