I Love Myself

I Love Myself
written and read by Scott Weaver

Oh, I love, I love, I love myself!
Yes, indeed, I do!
I love, I love, I love myself!
And I think that you should to!

Now don’t be coy and subtle with me,
If you think I’m a handsome dude!
Just walk right up and tell me so,
And I’ll say, “How do you do!”

Oh, I love, I love, I love myself!
Yes, indeed, I do!
I love, I love, I love myself!
And I think you’re starting to, to!

Now don’t be all shy and ladylike,
Cause I can’t read that crap either!
If you want my love, you’ll have to prove
That you’re an eager beaver!

Oh, I love, I love, I love myself!
Yes, indeed, I do!
I love, I love, I love myself!
Don’t you love me to?

Now if you really want to be with me,
All you have to do is say, “Hi!
You’re really, really hot and sexy,
And I want you to be my guy!”

Oh, I love, I love, I love myself!
I really, really, do!
But I’m kind of tired of myself,
And I’d like to try-on you!

Now if we meet, and do hook up,
Don’t wait for me to make the move,
Because you see, I’m shy as can be,
And you’ll have to do that to!

Well, I love, I love, I love myself!
You know this to be true!
But for as much as I love myself,
I could really use a screw!

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What If… The Post

Hey!! It’s the new game where I come up with random scenarios (that in no way represent me or my life) and you respond with what you would do!!! Yay!!!

So tell all your friends!! (Really, I’m not kidding! Tell them!)

Here’s the first one!

THE POST

It’s a Friday night, you’re alone, and the wine you had earlier has gone to your head (you know you shouldn’t have opened that second bottle). When suddenly, in a fit of latent sexual need and no conscience, you post an ad in the “Casual Encounters” section of Craigslist…

Then next morning, after you’ve washed away the wine-drool from last night, cleaned up the two empty bottles of wine, scrubbed away the faint red circles all over your counters, and thrown away the Taco Bell wrappers of a meal you don’t remember ever getting, you decide you had better check your email. But when you wake your computer, you find your browser still open to Craigslist, and it says…

Thank you for posting “Screw it! Screw me!!!”

“That’s right! I said it! Screw me! Yeah, I may not be in the best of shape, and I may not be the hottest thing in town, but I’m willing and available all weekend!!! So respond with a picture and let’s get it on!!!

Sincerely,

Do Me!!!”

After a few choice expletives, you check your email, and there it is, a response…

“Re: Screw it! Screw me!!!

Are you for real? Because if you are… well, here’s a picture of me. What do you think?”

You scroll down to see the picture and… wow, they’re actually cute.

What do you do?

Still single and now making shit up!!!

Scott

Be Quiet. Be Vewy, Vewy, Quiet. [UPDATE]

Yep, I did it again! I went on another date. This time, it was a blind date. She is a friend of a friends partner. We all (me, my friend from work, her partner, and my date) went to a comedy club last friday.

She was gorgeous!!!

I was quiet…

She has a 5 month old daughter!!!

That doesn’t bother me at all, but I didn’t tell her that…

She ordered the same drink I did!!!

But I didn’t make a single comment about it…

She got really mad about a drunk guy that kept running into me!!!

But I don’t believe in arguing with the drunk and stupid, so I didn’t make a sound…

She works in IT, like me!!!

But I didn’t ask a single question…

She later told my friend and her partner that I was very quiet!!!

And suddenly I sent off about 4 BILLION text messages to that friend about how lame I was and that she should really send the girl my person contact information!!!

And my friend sent off the information!!!!

But I haven’t heard a word…

Still single, and just realized that Elmer Fudd was talking about hunting, not dating.

Scott

[UPDATE] While I still haven’t heard from her personally, I have heard from my friend that she enjoyed the date and wishes I hadn’t been so quiet. She’s looking forward to date #2!

Which, by the way, at this point looks to be another double date in mid December. What are we doing? Going to a strip club!!!!

I sure do live an odd singles life!!!!

Scott

Don’t Sweat It

WARNING: What I’m about to tell you, including all descriptions, statements, and characters, is sadly, depressingly, real and true. I’m not making this up.

I have one huge, glaringly obvious, attribute that I, and every one else, am terribly conscious of. It’s the bane of my existence and probably a key reason I’m single. I sweat.

Now, before those that don’t know me go making the conclusion that I’m being silly or overdramatic, you have to understand what I’m talking about. If you’ve never had the displeasure of watching me drip sweat because it’s above 65 degrees or there are more then 3 people in a room, you just have no idea how bad this is. I’m not talking about a few beads of perspiration on my forehead or even moist pits. No, I’m talking about soaked hair, drip off the nose, freshly showered wetness. I am Niagara to your dripping faucet. And no matter how you look at it, an overly-sweaty man is not attractive.

If you’re wondering why I sweat so much, I have to blame my parents. I have always been a sweater. In baseball I had to have my own helmets and gear because no one else wanted to wear something you could wring sweat out of. I got the sweating from my father, who is also a sweater. If he goes dancing, he has to take a towel and 3 shirts to change into throughout the night. When he ski’s he has to take an extra set of clothes to change into afterwards because his clothes are soaked by the time he’s done.

But the fun doesn’t stop there! Not only do I sweat profusely, I also inherited a tendency towards dehydration (which is only heightened because of the sweating) from my mother. I intake well over 100 ounces of fluid a day. I am always drinking something (mostly water, if you’re wondering). I have to. Otherwise I would shrivel up and die!

So why am I baring my sweaty-soul in a blog post? Because I know I can’t be the only one with this issue. There must be others that suffer from perpetual wetness, and I just want them to know that I’m here for them. I feel their pain. And I also want you lucky, dry, people out there to know that we would change this if we could. We would love to be sweat-free and to stop wiping our brows or wiping our palms on our jeans for every handshake. The problem is, we can’t. So, next time you see a sweaty guy sitting in the corner at a party, trying to discretely swipe the sweat from his face, take a towel over and talk to him. You never know, he could be “The One”! Sure, he maybe a sweaty “One”, but what’s a little moisture between soul mates?

Also, I could use some cool, sweat free, dating suggestions. At this point I have come to the conclusion that I can only date during late Fall and Winter months, when the weather is conducive to my overly sweaty nature. It’s that or in a cold-locker at a local restaurant. Any other ideas?

Still single and sweating like a freakin’ pig,

Scott