The Art Of… The Date Fart

We’ve all been there. You’re on a date, sitting across from the mate-of-the-week, when you have a need to express yourself in a very unattractive manner!

So, what do you do? Do you squeeze-cheeks in hopes of forcing this unwanted guest back where it came from? Do you let fly with a fake cough and hope that the aftereffects don’t give away the true nature of your coughing fit? Do you attempt the often disastrous controlled-clench-squeal maneuver?

Well, my friends, I’m here to tell you there’s a better way! That’s right, I can promise you that with a few hours practice and concentration, you can escape the embarrassment of the date fart, 95% of the time! No more p-p-punctuated jogs to the bathroom! No more ass-whistlers! No more liftoffs in need of a NASA countdown!!! Just whisper-quiet wafts of waste air!

How? You ask? Simple! You just need to master the crack-spreading sphincter-shift! Here’s how you do it:

From a seated position, gently lift your weight off of one cheek (it’s best to user your dominant cheek) and while keeping pressure on the other, shift away from the seated-cheek. Once you have achieved maximum spread, return the lifted cheek to the seat and come back to a centered position until both cheeks are equally spread.

With me so far? You should now have a definite gap between both cheeks. Once the spread has been achieved, lean forward (as if you’re interested in something they are saying, but not too interested, you don’t want to draw attention) until you feel the trajectory of gas will cause it to skip off of the seat between your cheeks, rather then bubble and explode against the seat.

Now comes the tough part! With a steady, but not too strong, colonic pressure, relax the sphincter and let the air woosh out in a gentle breeze! Keep the pressure on and the angle right until you are sure it has all escaped!

And there you have it! The crack-spreading sphincter-shift! Gas is gone, slowly dispersed without a single date disturbed!

Now, a few words of warning!

Never apply too much pressure! This will cause a fart-flutter of the anus and can lead to excessive noise and spluttering!

Never release the sphincter until proper spread and angle have been achieved! Doing so could cause a bubble-whistle, or worse, cheek-flap incident!

Practice this maneuver in the privacy of your own home! Preferably, to begin with, when you are alone! Without proper training, you run the risk of embarrassing yourself in public, or worse, having to buy an emergency pair of underwear from the corner convenience store!

Never, and I mean never, practice under the influence of cabbage!!! Cabbage kills, people! Cabbage kills!

Now get out there and make me proud!

Still single and farting without their knowledge,

Scott

What’s In A Kiss?

What is a kiss? Is it a lip-locking, tongue-thrusting, mouth-watering pressure-packed-punch of passion-producing-probing? Or is it soft, sweet, and sensual? Where do your hands go? Are your eyes open? Do you nibble?

I want to know! So, answer the damn polls!!!

Scott
(polls are also available on the Polls Page.)


















































The List: An Explanation

Hello to all my readers that reside in their Black and White worlds! This is Scott, coming to you live from a world of color!

As I’m sure most of you are aware, I recently posted a blog with partial list of my wants in a mate. Well, based on the responses that post has generated, it has come to my attention that I have some ‘splainin’ to do! So, for those living in their black and white worlds, before you read this, you may want to put on some safety glasses or a rain poncho, because I wouldn’t want my world bleeding into, and making a blurry mess of, your well defined, yes or no, world.

Let me start off by stating the obvious. I don’t know what I want in a mate. That list of wants you took so literally do not, will not, can not, and should not be read as a definition of the person that I am looking for, wanting, or should even be with. It was just a list of wants. It was a list based on the laziest-of-lazy logic and emotion. And, as with all wants, it meant nothing.

That’s right! I said it! Wants are worthless, pointless, and mean absolutely nothing! Wants are not based on fact, or sound logic, and shouldn’t be taken as such. Wants, at their best, are based on the weakest data possible, past personal experiences. At their worst, they’re based on imagined, or second-hand, experience. The only way wants could ever be meaningful and literal is if you had experienced everything, and I do mean everything, that has, or will, ever happen. I don’t know about your worlds, but in mine, that’s a flat-out impossibility.

So, then, why did I even bother making the list? Easy. Because even though they mean nothing, I still have them, and yes, still rely on them to guide me.

Does that mean I take them literally? OH HELL NO! For one thing, if you could see that list through my eyes, you would notice that each word is a different shade of color, with a different level of intensity, and are written in a variety of text sizes. Some of the words would be big, bold, and obvious while others would be miniscule and nearly invisible. And even then, the list would mean nothing, because I don’t know what I want. I just haven’t experienced enough to be definitive.

So why write this post? Because I want to be absolutely certain that everyone knows that the only thing I am absolutely sure of is that I am absolutely sure of nothing! In fact, I am so sure that I am sure of nothing, that I can’t even guarantee that the person I do end up with won’t match that list perfectly. Who knows, maybe I will meet a person that fits that list. And what if they do match that list? Does it mean I should, or even want, to be with them? No. So stop taking things so literally, damn-it! I don’t know what I’m talking about!

Still single and avoiding things I don’t think I want,

Scott