Incommunicado: The Art of Bad Relationships

Okay, let’s be honest. How many times have you said one thing to a partner but were thinking something else? Have you ever actually had the thought, or worse, said, “Could you just wait until the [game, show, decade] is over?” during a conversation? Have you ever been accused of not listening?

I know I have. The question is why? Why aren’t we honest, upfront, and real with the partners in our lives? Is it because we get bored? Do we actually lose interest? Are we all just a bunch of douche-bag-idiots determined to screw up our own lives?

Or is it something else?

Being single, I’ve had hours to ponder this question (nothing, and no one, to do will do that to you), and I think I may have discovered a reason, or at least a reasonable excuse, as to why we do this in matters of love. It’s the act of dating, or early courtship, that screws most of us up!

Why dating? Simple. All of us manipulate ourselves to better fit our perceived ideas of what the other wants in a partner. We hide, lie, or hold back the truth about the things we don’t like about ourselves. We push the things that unite us, and stuff those that don’t in a dark closet with the rest of our secret desires, our unfulfilled wants and needs, our unmentionables. We do it easily, and often, and we call it compromise. But, in reality, what it is false advertising. It’s the human equivalent of infomercials. Sure, it slices, it dices, it squirts mustard with the push of a button, but after a year and 4 uses, will you feel it was worth it? Did you really need something that only fulfilled part of your needs? Do you miss the things you stuffed in a drawer to forget?

This is what we do people! We start off not communicating! We don’t offer-up the real me because of the fear that the other person won’t like the real me. We hide our true selves just to have parts and pieces of us loved. Sometimes we do it to just fulfill a physical need. And we do it over, and over, and over again, because we know, we just know, that no one would want the real me.

You know you do it. We all do. Even the best of us are completely screwed up. And the reality is that this unfortunate flaw is built into the very core of our being. We will never change. We will always have difficulty communicating. But it doesn’t mean we have to do it blindly. It doesn’t mean we have to hide everything. It doesn’t mean we have to be afraid of being ourselves.

It means we have to be as much of our real selves as possible. It means we have to let others be as much or their real selves as possible. It means knowing yourself. It means being honest, telling the truth, and dealing with things when they do come up in as rational a manner as possible.

It means communicating.

Still single and unable to talk to girls,

Scott

You Talkin’ To Me?

How do you talk to women when you’re not a conversationalist?

I’m really more of a situational talker then a conversationalist. I have to have something to talk about. And it can’t be me. I’m just not that interesting.

Anyone that has ever really talked to me knows that I’m fun to talk to. I have crazy conversations and talk about crazy things. I am honest and funny and witty and clever (and sometimes I try too hard), but never boring. I’m great to debate things with. I will talk about anything, and I do mean anything, but it has to be serious or completely silly or crazy or dirty or taboo. I just can’t talk about the weather. I can’t talk for the sake of talking. It’s beyond me.

So what do I do when I don’t know anything about a person? How do I talk to them out of the blue?

This is not a good dating trait!

Still single and very, very quietly working my way to dirty-old-bastard,

Scott

Is it really beneficial?

Sabina, I feel for ya. I really do. I’ve been there, done that, and had to deal with the fall out as well. But I have to ask, since I asked myself this same question, is it really beneficial? Sure, they help you get a release that, let’s face it, is completely different then the one you can provide yourself, but do you gain anything from it? And, although we call them “friends” with benefits, are they really friends during the friends with benefits time? Or are they really just trusted living sexual aids? No more then a living dildo or a fleshy blow-up doll?

I know, that seems terribly uncaring and crude, but let’s face it, if they aren’t looked at as unfeeling sexual tools, then all you’re doing is lying to yourself and your partner(s). You’re in a full-blown adult sexual and emotional relationship! That’s just how it works. I’m not saying it’s love. It doesn’t have to be love. But the absence of love does not mean the absence of feeling and emotion. In fact, I don’t think it’s actually possible to have sex with the same person more then once without having feelings and emotions attached to that person. It’s human nature. Humans bond through shared and similarly-shared experiences. You can’t get a much more shared experience then consensual adult sex.

So I say that if you can confide in someone, look forward to being with someone, and put your trust in someone while having sex with that same someone, then you have no right to expect that person to maintain an emotional distance. It’s ludicrous! You’re defying the very definition of a friend.

You want a friend with benefits? Get a dog or a cat (the benefit is there’s none of that sexual tension, they don’t talk back, and you can lock them in a room when they get really annoying and they don’t hate you for it). You want a friend with sexual benefits, then call them what they really are, boyfriend, girlfriend, lover, whatever. Just don’t expect them to be emotionless. You’re not.

Oh, and if you can handle more then one (I know I can’t) then do that. Just make sure they know what they’re getting into.

Still single and now getting off my soapbox,

Scott

[UPDATE] Just so that everyone reading this (especially Sabina) knows, I am not condemning Sabina for any of her actions in this blog. I can’t condemn her for doing something I myself have done in the past. I was just expressing my own experience-gained opinion on the matter of friends with benefits. Sabina is a good-hearted, thoughtful, fucked-up person just like me. I love her dearly and would not want anyone reading this to think otherwise. Okay. I feel better now. S.