London Clubbing

OK, so first of all, I have to say that I feel as if I went in the opposite direction as you, Scott…

Let me explain that. Years ago I gave up on going out to bars and clubs to meet men… I did meet men, but I wasn’t interested. The kind of guy I like doesn’t go around bars trying to pick up women. That said, a friend here really wanted to go out and pick up guys, so I sighed and agreed to do it. Why? Well, part of me was hoping London clubs would be different from those in other cities. Another part of me kind of knew that this would be nothing more but a social experiment using myself as the guinea pig.

We started early, since there was a poetry reading in the afternoon she was interested in. It was going to be in a room above a pub… Poetry above a pub… promising, right? Never, and I repeat, never, get sucked into that one. If someone with a book published can’t find any space other than the room above a pub, bets are that the book is self published. And not any good. And the reading is full of his aspiring-poet friends (all, including the author, above 50). Who also read some of their stuff. And want our phone numbers, “in case there’s another reading.”

Two whiskeys (on the rocks) got me through that. Then we walked to a pub in the hipper part of London. Full, very full. Mostly, full of groups of teens (they are allowed to drink at 18 here). No one mingles, nothing interesting. Two more whiskeys.

The next stop was a night club, one of the best known (the Old Queen’s Head). It was around, which would have been way too early to start clubbing elsewhere, but hey, London. I’m getting used to it. The place was far from full, but there were no tables left. That was okay, we wanted to dance anyway. Two more whiskeys.By 10, the place was packed, and pretty diverse… Lots of groups of men looking to pick up girls. And a few interesting men… sort of… not really. Also, the Brits are terrible dancers. And the DJ wasn’t helping. Another whiskey.

Lesson learned: Don’t do that again. You will meet interesting men anywhere but clubs.

Tips for men, if you still want to pick up a girl while clubbing:

1. If you have a girlfriend, what’s wrong with you? On that note, please don’t try to pick up a girl while your girlfriend is in the bathroom, or dancing. She will notice at some point. And I hope she drops you!

2. Don’t drink Corona unless you’re at the beach (and if you’re in Mexico, don’t drink Corona, there are much better beers we keep to ourselves). Especially if you’re in the UK, on a cold spring night, don’t drink Corona at a club. Pick any other beer. And don’t put a wedge of lime in it.

3. If you can’t dance, say so, because no matter how many times you tell us that you love dancing, it shows you’ve avoided doing it all your life.

4. Has a girl ever, ever told you how cool those white loafers look? No? Guess why…

5. Bathe! We do have a sense of smell, you know (and we can tell that it’s not just from the dancing tonight).

That said, the bouncer (who “chatted me up” as we were weaving our way out of the club) was a cool guy… He agreed when I told him they should not have amateur DJ’s on a Saturday night.

Oh, and I managed to make the last train home on the tube, which is great, because I was way too drunk to figure out the night busses.

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Stop Looking!

Got some advice from a good, and very jaded, friend tonight on how to get women (she’s a woman) that was essentially “stop looking”. This isn’t bad advice… for people that aren’t me!

OK. So, here’s the deal. I have spent most of my life “not” looking for a mate. Really, I have. I figured that I would just meet her, randomly, like in a movie. It didn’t work (or, at least, hasn’t so far).

I always thought it was because I couldn’t tell when women were interested. Because I didn’t walk up and randomly hit on women. And most importantly because I didn’t go to college (and therefore never learned the art of picking up chicks).

As it turns out, I was almost right.

Sure, all of those things have a bearing on whether or not I meet “the one” (or even “you’ll do”). But even taken together, the likelihood of not meeting someone is really unlikely! I mean, random things happen every day, right! Given my interactions with women, I was bound to screw up eventually and actually meet someone!

Nope!

And I’ve come to a realization over the years as to why that is. It’s my personality! I have a pretty good one. I’m nice and non-threatening. I care and I listen. Sure, I make a fair number of rude and/or off-color remarks (I am a “perpetual line stepper” according to my friend Travis), but it’s all in fun. People like me.

Do you see the problem yet? No? Well, put it all together…

I am:
girl’s-interested challenged
pick-up-on-chicks challenged
collegiately-dating challenged
nice
non-threatening
funny
a listener
I care

“What’s that spell!!!” (sorry, cheerleader fantasy come true)

I’ll tell you what that spells! One of two things. I’m either:
A: Gay
B: Married

I am, and have never been, either of those!

So what do I do? If I go out looking for the girl, I don’t seem to find her. If I don’t look for the girl, she doesn’t find me!

Damnit! Why is life so difficult!!!

Still single and having a hard time choosing between the assless chaps or a wedding ring,

Scott