Stop Looking!

Got some advice from a good, and very jaded, friend tonight on how to get women (she’s a woman) that was essentially “stop looking”. This isn’t bad advice… for people that aren’t me!

OK. So, here’s the deal. I have spent most of my life “not” looking for a mate. Really, I have. I figured that I would just meet her, randomly, like in a movie. It didn’t work (or, at least, hasn’t so far).

I always thought it was because I couldn’t tell when women were interested. Because I didn’t walk up and randomly hit on women. And most importantly because I didn’t go to college (and therefore never learned the art of picking up chicks).

As it turns out, I was almost right.

Sure, all of those things have a bearing on whether or not I meet “the one” (or even “you’ll do”). But even taken together, the likelihood of not meeting someone is really unlikely! I mean, random things happen every day, right! Given my interactions with women, I was bound to screw up eventually and actually meet someone!

Nope!

And I’ve come to a realization over the years as to why that is. It’s my personality! I have a pretty good one. I’m nice and non-threatening. I care and I listen. Sure, I make a fair number of rude and/or off-color remarks (I am a “perpetual line stepper” according to my friend Travis), but it’s all in fun. People like me.

Do you see the problem yet? No? Well, put it all together…

I am:
girl’s-interested challenged
pick-up-on-chicks challenged
collegiately-dating challenged
nice
non-threatening
funny
a listener
I care

“What’s that spell!!!” (sorry, cheerleader fantasy come true)

I’ll tell you what that spells! One of two things. I’m either:
A: Gay
B: Married

I am, and have never been, either of those!

So what do I do? If I go out looking for the girl, I don’t seem to find her. If I don’t look for the girl, she doesn’t find me!

Damnit! Why is life so difficult!!!

Still single and having a hard time choosing between the assless chaps or a wedding ring,

Scott

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Huntin’ Cougar: Part 2

A huntin’ we will go! A huntin’ we will go! Heigh ho, the dairy-o, a huntin’ we will go!

Welcome back, kiddo’s! Have you all been studying your bibles? Good!

Before we go a huntin’, let’s review what we learned last episode. For our packs we’re going to need our gun (loaded), casual attire (to blend in), your bible (that you’ve been reading), and a ring (to lure the cougar into your trap). Let’s see, we also learned there are lots of cougars out there and we have to be very selective, they live primarily in the hills around a large city, and they have a good coat, nice nails, and pearly-white teeth!

Well, I think that’s everything! Let’s go huntin’!

Okay, once you think you’ve spotted you’re prey (remember, we’re going for the “golden” cougar, not the average neighborhood stray), you’ll need to track ‘er for a while. Stay back, get the lay of the land and watch her from a distance. Calculate your approach. Look for any advantages you might have. Is she alone? (Make sure there are no cubs or spouses lingering about.) Does she look comfortable and healthy? (There’s nothin’ worse then a sick or jumpy cougar, because they can turn on you in a second, and if that happens you won’t stand a chance.)

Good. You’ve finally found your cougar. Now’s the time to use the ring and make a carful approach. The whole she-bang rests on how well you approach your prey. Circle around her and come in from her backside, confident but not too quickly, while slipping on the ring (no hands in pockets, she’s got to see the ring for it to work). Don’t go directly to the prey, you have to work your way into her inner circle first. Just get within a few feet and loiter there, letting her get comfortable to your presence. If you just go straight in she’s liable to tear your head off! And remember, always have an escape route planned out ahead of time and keep your cool, they can smell fear!

Now each situation is different. Here’s a common situation and ways to make first contact.

The Drinking Hole:
If you find yourself at a drinking hole, come up casually beside her and get yourself a drink. It’s what she’s there for and she won’t suspect that you’re actually on the prowl.

Now, depending on the temperament of the cougar, different tactics will get you different results.

Mothering/Nurturing Type:
If she looks to be the mothering/nurturing type, you’re gonna need to look wounded. Not too wounded, you have to maintain a certain dominance and charisma, but a stoic-woundedness, like you’re trying to keep it at bay, will go a long way. Let your ring tell most of your story. Play with your drink. When she’s watching, act like you just noticed your ring (you can even “accidentally” clink it to draw attention) and you just can’t wear it anymore. Slip it off and place it, like it hurt you, a little ways from you. Make sure it’s far enough away to signify the pain of it, but not so far that you’ve given up on it. This will play on their need to fix everything and should draw her in through sympathy. Start conversation with with a mumbled apology about having a “really bad day”. Most of the time they will feed you your story with their questions. Go with it.

The Bitch-Kitty:
If she looks like a true bitch-kitty, you’ll probably have better luck going with the pissed off angle. Slam your ring down. Mumble some mild curse words under your breath. Take long, deep drinks. Act like you need a distraction. Like you are searching for a distraction. Be prepared to let a few minor details of your anger slip through as you “don’t want to talk about it” with her.

Congratulations! Your camo has worked and you’re in her world. Now it’s all up to you. I’ve prepared you as best as I can. It’s time to use the ring and the knowledge gathered from the bible. Don’t be deterred if you’re rebuffed initially, she’s just checking to make sure you’re not a pretender. Be patient but present, make sure she knows you’re there. Remember, each situation and she-beast are different. A lot of your success is going to depend on your ability to adapt, so be ready to change your approach at a moments notice.

Now go make me proud and get yourself a trophy cougar!!! Ain’t nothin’ quite like the first time you get to use your gun on a cougar! Just remember to take lots of pictures! There’s no point in a trophy if you can’t brag about it later!

Join us for our next adventure: Huntin’ Chicks! Where we’ll show you how to get your lips around some tasty tail-feathers!

‘Til next time, remember our motto, “Practice makes perfect”, so keep it up!

Still single,

Scott

Huntin’ Cougar: Part 1

A huntin’ we will go! A huntin’ we will go! Heigh ho, the dairy-o, a huntin’ we will go!

That’s right, kiddies! It’s time to go cougar hunting! Now for today’s adventure, you will need to put a few extra-special items in your backpack other then your standard, fully-loaded, gun. Them cougars can be mighty wily prey!

First off, you’re going to need some new clothes! Now, nothin’ too flashy! We don’t want to scare them off, but we will need to blend in to their natural habitat. So I recommend a nice pair of trousers and a button-down shirt with the sleeves rolled up. Respectful but casual, that’s the name of the game. And you can leave those silly rubbers at home! We’re not fishin’! We’re huntin’! And cougars tend to be dry.

Next you’re gonna need what I like to call the “Cougar Huntin’ Bible”. Don’t worry, it sounds fancy, but it can be picked up in most book stores. Just ask the clerk for a “Bartender’s Bible”. –If they’re young, and don’t know what that is, just have them look up the word of the day, “Mixologist”! You’re sure to get what you need that way!– This book will give you all the tips and tricks you need to capture yourself a cougar. Trust me, it’s served me well over the years! Just remember to practice the lessons in the book first. Cougars will make a damn fool of ya if ya don’t know what you’re doin’!

And last, but most important, you’re gonna need a ring. Somethin’ simple, like a plain band, will do. It signals to the cougar that your safe and they can let their guard down. Now, don’t go gettin’ anything real fancy or nothin’. There’s no point in that. You’d just be wastin’ your money, cause you’re not gonna need it too long. Just long enough to get within’ striking distance, is all ya need it for.

Okay! Got all your supplies? Good!

First, you have to know where to look. I find that the best place to hunt cougar is in the hills. My favorite huntin’ hills are Beverly, but if you’re not in that neck of the woods, any hills in and around a fairly large city will do. The kind of cougars we’ll be huntin’ for like to be above everyone else. Up in the good neighborhoods where there’s plenty of good stuff to eat and it’s easy to hide.

Now, you might be surprised at how many cougars you’ll find out there. But don’t go out and just start trackin’ any ol’ cougar! If you’re not careful, you might find yourself stuck with a broken-down ol’ thing with bad breath and no life in ‘er! That’s not what we’re after. We’re after a very special type of cougar. We’re after the “Golden Cougar”.

How will you know when you’ve found a golden cougar? Simple! She’ll have a good coat, nice nails, pearly-white teeth, and mischief in her eyes! At first, it may take a while to spot one. They’re pretty elusive creatures and they’re real good at hiding in plain sight thanks to their years of experience. You just have to be vigilant and keep a watchful eye.

Oh, would ya look at that! We’re out of time! But don’t worry! On our next episode, the huntin’ begins!!!

Till next time, keep reading those bibles!

Still single, and always packing a fully-loaded gun,

Scott