The Art Of… The Date Fart

We’ve all been there. You’re on a date, sitting across from the mate-of-the-week, when you have a need to express yourself in a very unattractive manner!

So, what do you do? Do you squeeze-cheeks in hopes of forcing this unwanted guest back where it came from? Do you let fly with a fake cough and hope that the aftereffects don’t give away the true nature of your coughing fit? Do you attempt the often disastrous controlled-clench-squeal maneuver?

Well, my friends, I’m here to tell you there’s a better way! That’s right, I can promise you that with a few hours practice and concentration, you can escape the embarrassment of the date fart, 95% of the time! No more p-p-punctuated jogs to the bathroom! No more ass-whistlers! No more liftoffs in need of a NASA countdown!!! Just whisper-quiet wafts of waste air!

How? You ask? Simple! You just need to master the crack-spreading sphincter-shift! Here’s how you do it:

From a seated position, gently lift your weight off of one cheek (it’s best to user your dominant cheek) and while keeping pressure on the other, shift away from the seated-cheek. Once you have achieved maximum spread, return the lifted cheek to the seat and come back to a centered position until both cheeks are equally spread.

With me so far? You should now have a definite gap between both cheeks. Once the spread has been achieved, lean forward (as if you’re interested in something they are saying, but not too interested, you don’t want to draw attention) until you feel the trajectory of gas will cause it to skip off of the seat between your cheeks, rather then bubble and explode against the seat.

Now comes the tough part! With a steady, but not too strong, colonic pressure, relax the sphincter and let the air woosh out in a gentle breeze! Keep the pressure on and the angle right until you are sure it has all escaped!

And there you have it! The crack-spreading sphincter-shift! Gas is gone, slowly dispersed without a single date disturbed!

Now, a few words of warning!

Never apply too much pressure! This will cause a fart-flutter of the anus and can lead to excessive noise and spluttering!

Never release the sphincter until proper spread and angle have been achieved! Doing so could cause a bubble-whistle, or worse, cheek-flap incident!

Practice this maneuver in the privacy of your own home! Preferably, to begin with, when you are alone! Without proper training, you run the risk of embarrassing yourself in public, or worse, having to buy an emergency pair of underwear from the corner convenience store!

Never, and I mean never, practice under the influence of cabbage!!! Cabbage kills, people! Cabbage kills!

Now get out there and make me proud!

Still single and farting without their knowledge,

Scott

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Take a Good Whiff…

Believe it, or not, you may actually want to take a second and really smell your next date. Your response to their smell is a good indicator of whether or not you and your date are a good genetic match, immunologically speaking at least.

Yeah, you read that right. How someone smells to you, deep down, past the perfume and bodywash, to the real body odor, can tell you a lot about a persons genetic immune system. The better they smell to you, the more likely they are a good genetic match to you.

How does someone’s scent tell me they’re a good genetic match?
Well, first off you need to understand what you’re smelling. As amazing as it may seem, the sweat that pops up on your forehead and under your arms, and that everyone blames for body odor, doesn’t actually smell. What does smell are the bacteria, or, more correctly, the waste secreted by the bacteria, that reside on all our bodies. You see, the sweat comes out of our pours and is absorbed by the bacteria living on our skin. The bacteria then use the sweat and expel the waste the bacteria has generated. Since they live on your skin, they expel that waste on your skin, and that’s what smells.

So, bacteria smell. How does that translate to my genetic makeup?
Each person has a different set of genes that make up the backbone of your immune system. Based on those genes, you will be (to varying degrees) susceptible or immune to certain diseases and bacteria. Because of this, only the bacteria that you are susceptible to (that your immune system can’t kill) can live on you. And since it’s the bacterial waste that gives you your scent, it indicates which immunity genes you carry.

So if they smell good to me, does that mean they have a similar genetic immunity to me?
Nope. The exact opposite! (who knew that even in genetics, opposites attract) A person’s scent will smell good to you when they don’t smell like you. It’s because, somewhere deep down in our subconscious, we naturally understand that a diverse set of genetics (no inbreeding) means a better chance for our offspring to survive. So, the better they smell to you, (the more diverse their bacteria are to yours) the more likely they are to be carrying immunity genes that you yourself do not, which means your offspring will have a more complete of immunity genes and be immune to more bacteria.

However, if you’re a little worried that burying your nose in your date’s neck and taking a big ol’ whiff might be a little off-turning, there’s a more acceptable solution. Rather then sniffing your date, you can get a spit sample (swab the inside of their cheek) and check their actual genetic immunity against yours. It’s called “Spit Dating”, and it’s coming to a dating scene near you. Click here to learn more.

Who knew that “being led around by your nose” might not be bad thing when it comes to finding your perfect (genetic) match! Crazy, huh!

Still single… and “I was just checking our genetic compatibility! Gosh!”,

Scott

P.S. Wondering where I get this crap? TV of course! Here’s the show, Popular Science: The Future Of…, I watched to get this tidbit!