Lesbians Are Complicated

If I had a dime for every time I’ve heard a woman tell me “Men are assholes, I should just become a lesbian” I’d have…well, realistically I’d only have about a buck. But my response will always be the same–“Lesbian relationships are just as, if not more complicated!”

You want an example? Say you’re friends with someone. Say you and someone are staying overnight in a crowded house and you and that same someone share a bed. Voluntarily, mind you! Say that you and that someone spend some time laying in bed, cuddling up, and whispering secrets and talking about hopes for the future. Say you and that someone have a nice, comfortable evening together and all is dandy. What does it mean to you?

Chances are, if you’re two heteros of opposite sex, it means that you’re having some kind of connection and that you’re probably both thinking about getting it on. But if you’re gay? Well, then things are a bit more complicated, aren’t they? Because girls have a special role for each other, and that includes cuddling–even in the straightest of hetero friendships. Girls like to cuddle. Girls like to share secrets. Girls like to be close. So then how the hell does a lesbian know if she’s a friend of a girlfriend?!

Well there’s one easy way to tell–just wait until the next morning! Because a night of shared cuddling between two lesbians will ultimately result in someone needing to discuss what went on. And there will have to be a conversation about what it all means. And someone will have to say “we’re just friends, right?” and someone else will have to say “of course we’re just friends. I love you.” It can get very complicated for lesbians to be friends!

So, dear readers, let me make a blanket statement just to clear the air. I am not interested in bedding you. Even if I kiss you or make out with you for an hour, I’m not interested in having sex with you. If I want to screw you, you will know because I will tell you. Are we all clear on that now?

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The Waiting

Main Entry: ten·ta·tive
Pronunciation: \ˈten-tə-tiv\
Function: adjective
Etymology: Medieval Latin tentativus, from Latin tentatus, past participle of tentare, temptare to feel, try
Date: 1626
1 : not fully worked out or developed
2 : hesitant, uncertain
— tentative noun
— ten·ta·tive·ly adverb
— ten·ta·tive·ness noun
(from www.merriam-webster.com)

My apartment flooded on December 12, 2009.
At first, a “possible” move-back date, March 19, 2010.
Then came the “shooting-for” date of March 31, 2010.
It is now April 2, 2010, the first “tentative” move-back date. The wind is blowing, the rain is sheeting, and I am writing from… my hotel room.

The girls at the front desk laugh every time I hand them my card key to have it updated to the new check-out date. “You’re never leaving!” they like to tease. It’s become routine. The cute little 19 year-old Abby doesn’t even bat an eye when I walk up, card already extended, and exclaim “Flash me!” They know me.

Don’t get me wrong, I highly recommend the Hilton Homewood Suites in Vancouver, WA. It’s a nice place, with lovely, friendly, and often funny, service. They offer hot breakfast every morning and a hot dinner, with free beer and wine, four nights a week. I have a kitchenette, a sitting room, two flatscreen TVs, and a king-sized bed. It’s a great place and I’ve made some new friends.

But it’s not home.

I know I haven’t posted much since the flood, and what I have posted has been, well, let’s just say less then productive. I apologize. There’s just something sleazy about asking a girl back to your hotel room! And it certainly doesn’t imply a desire for anything long-term.

But all of that’s about to change! From the looks of things, I should be able to move in either tomorrow or Monday! I will have a brand new home to show off and a desire to do “stuff”. I’m making a change!

Does this mean I’m gonna get out there and start hitting the bars, trolling for dates, and talking-up strange women? (Have you actually read any of these posts?) Hell no! When it comes to conventional dating, I’m a huge skeptic. (Not to mention I suck at it.) No, I’ve decided that I’m never going to find what I’m looking for (not that I actually know what that is) by relying on my dating skills and actually attempting to pick-up women. Instead, I’m going to start doing things I like to do and see what happens.

What am I talking about? Well, things like a book club. I’m trying to start up a book club with a couple of the hottest bartenders this side of Mars. I’m also thinking about taking a creative writing class at the local community college. Maybe a ballroom dancing class, or perhaps something in a foreign language. (Hola! Sabina!)

So, expect a whole new level of posts coming soon! Less bitching and more action!

Still single, and waiting… and waiting… and waiting,

Scott

Women Are Not Just Sex Objects!!!

I know this to be true! For my mother told me so!

However, having only had the chance to partake in the glory that is the “non-sexual” woman lately, I must say that I’m… getting tired of it.

I want to ogle naked boobies! I want to indulge in the sins that made me! I want a sex object! I have needs ya…

Hey! Look at that! The girl from The Big Bang Theory is on the cover of Maxim! And she’s not wearing very much!

Kaley Cuoco From Maxim Cover

Maxim Cover Shot of Kaley!!!

Hmmm…

Never mind. I’m good now.

Still single and a steadfast champion of women and their right to be more then just sex objects… for all but 15 minutes of every day!

Scott

How Not to Get Laid…

Don’t…

…be a fatty! To get laid as a fatty you’re going to need alcohol, the ability to make people laugh, and, quite possibly, cash.

…be a pussy! No confidence in your “game”? No getting laid!

…act needy! Sure, we all have a need to connect with people, but if you can’t give them space… you’re not getting laid!

…be nice! The one’s that are nice and looking for nice aren’t going to give it up without a lot of work. If that’s what you’re looking for, then stop looking to just get laid!!!

…have a hairy chest! The only one’s that like the hairy chests are the ones that used to cuddle with one, in the middle of winter, because there was no one else around, in the 1940’s!

…EVER get duped by “verification” responses to Craigslist ads! They aren’t real! And you won’t get laid… but you will get fucked!!!

…whine about not getting laid! Whiner’s don’t get anything but more annoying! Stop it!

…act like something you’re not! Not really a stud? Stop acting like it! Not really skinny? Stop acting like it! Not really a woman? Stop hitting on me!!! You’re not getting laid!

Still single, and not getting laid!!!

Scott

P.S. writing a blog about dating does not qualify as whining!

*note: the only thing on this list that applies to women is the “hairy” entry, and even that’s questionable!

How to Unmask your Date

I’ve been giving a lot of thought to Scott’s Incommunicado post. The fact is, he just hit on the most important reason why I don’t date so much as accidentally fall into relationships. I hate having to play a role on dates… And I hate knowing that whoever I’m on a date with is holding back, playing his own part. Why try being what we think the other wants? How do we even know what the other wants?

To that effect, I’ve come up with a few pre-emptive strikes (I have a friend to thank for that idea). t’s in construction, so please, please, add your own ideas to the list.

1. An early on picnic date (my friend does this with girls) to make sure they’re not materialistic and can go with the flow. Wanted to have a fancy dinner? Hope you’re not wearing Jimmy Choos!

2. A very strange cheap restaurant (this is my version of 1) to make sure they can’t try to impress you with a fancy dinner. Insist on choosing the restaurant. He hasn’t heard of it? Oh, you’ll love it, it has the best salads ever! (true, and they even have some that are not vegetarian, I’m not completely heartless). Hope you don’t mind perching on a stool and watching the weirdest characters of the city pop in and out.

3. Did they say they liked artsy films? Make sure, take them to the slowest, longest experimental film you can find.

4. Did they say they liked reading? Talk about books, specific books. They may not have read the book, but an avid reader will always enjoy hearing about something he/she might like to read, and counter with another proposal.

5. They like sports, eh? Make sure. Watch a game… And if they said they’re into doing sports, well, plan a fun, athletic outing.

In short. Call out your date on anything and everything. Of course, this means that you have to be honest about yourself, lest they strike back.

A Big Heart Gets No Love

I think there’s something sincerely wrong with me.

I’m nice. Too nice.

And I care too much.

And it freaks girls out.

That’s right. It freaks the ladies out. So instead of doing what I want to do, which is help, I keep my help to myself. And it eats at me and eats at me.

Why do I worry about people I don’t even really know?

I don’t worry about myself? So why did I drive around tonight looking for a worry stone for someone I barely know? For a worry that she wouldn’t even tell me the cause of? For help that I won’t end up giving because I don’t want to freak her out?

Why do I worry about my friends? Will she get pregnant? Will she find happiness with the new guy? Has he finally found the one?

What the hell’s wrong with me? And how do I change it?

And don’t you dare tell me that women really want a guy like me. That’s bullshit! And you know it!

Still single, and steadily drinking myself into a Friday-night-oblivion,

Scott

The Poop Schedule — A Question

Okay, this may seem a little weird, but I’ve been noticing a trend at work lately. It seems to me that most of the men at my work take craps there!

Why? Who wants to crap on a toilet that’s not theirs? Who wants to sit in a cold stall, possibly surrounded by other people, and do their business? Not me! I schedule my visits!

And then it hit me, I bet they’re crapping at work so they don’t have to crap at home. Is this because they’ve been asked to do it elsewhere by their loved ones? Or are they doing it because they’re nice guys that don’t want to stink it up?

What do you think?

Ladies? Are these guys doing their business at work because of their wives and girlfriends? Have you ever asked a boyfriend or husband to do this? Would you?

Guys, have you ever been asked to do this? Do you do this? Why?

Still single, especially when nature calls,

Scott