What If… The Post

Hey!! It’s the new game where I come up with random scenarios (that in no way represent me or my life) and you respond with what you would do!!! Yay!!!

So tell all your friends!! (Really, I’m not kidding! Tell them!)

Here’s the first one!

THE POST

It’s a Friday night, you’re alone, and the wine you had earlier has gone to your head (you know you shouldn’t have opened that second bottle). When suddenly, in a fit of latent sexual need and no conscience, you post an ad in the “Casual Encounters” section of Craigslist…

Then next morning, after you’ve washed away the wine-drool from last night, cleaned up the two empty bottles of wine, scrubbed away the faint red circles all over your counters, and thrown away the Taco Bell wrappers of a meal you don’t remember ever getting, you decide you had better check your email. But when you wake your computer, you find your browser still open to Craigslist, and it says…

Thank you for posting “Screw it! Screw me!!!”

“That’s right! I said it! Screw me! Yeah, I may not be in the best of shape, and I may not be the hottest thing in town, but I’m willing and available all weekend!!! So respond with a picture and let’s get it on!!!

Sincerely,

Do Me!!!”

After a few choice expletives, you check your email, and there it is, a response…

“Re: Screw it! Screw me!!!

Are you for real? Because if you are… well, here’s a picture of me. What do you think?”

You scroll down to see the picture and… wow, they’re actually cute.

What do you do?

Still single and now making shit up!!!

Scott

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Can Someone Tell Me How?

I saw this really really cute chick on the bus yesterday. The minute I saw her I was attracted to her. We rode along in silence, and then, to my utter disbelief, we got off at the same stop! Obviously we were both going into Fred Meyer, and were about to cross the street and parking lot together. This was my opening! This was the opportunity to step out of my comfort zone and strike up a conversation! Maybe we could sit at the Starbucks inside and have coffee while we chatted!

As the distance to the front door closed in on us, I panicked. I hadn’t said anything yet and we’d been walking practically side by side for at least a whole minute! SAY SOMETHING!

My palms got a little sweaty and my tongue suddenly glued itself to the roof of my mouth. I imagined what her smile would like if she gave me a positive response. I imagined what her brow would look like as she sneered at my intrusion. A chance encounter could only go one of two ways–positive or negative. However, in my feeble, self-conscious mind, the imagined response is almost always negative.

By the time I had made up my mind to say something droll about the rain and life in Oregon, I was in the produce aisle and mystery dyke was nowhere to be seen.

So please, someone, tell me how to casually talk to strangers!

Huntin’ Cougar: Part 1

A huntin’ we will go! A huntin’ we will go! Heigh ho, the dairy-o, a huntin’ we will go!

That’s right, kiddies! It’s time to go cougar hunting! Now for today’s adventure, you will need to put a few extra-special items in your backpack other then your standard, fully-loaded, gun. Them cougars can be mighty wily prey!

First off, you’re going to need some new clothes! Now, nothin’ too flashy! We don’t want to scare them off, but we will need to blend in to their natural habitat. So I recommend a nice pair of trousers and a button-down shirt with the sleeves rolled up. Respectful but casual, that’s the name of the game. And you can leave those silly rubbers at home! We’re not fishin’! We’re huntin’! And cougars tend to be dry.

Next you’re gonna need what I like to call the “Cougar Huntin’ Bible”. Don’t worry, it sounds fancy, but it can be picked up in most book stores. Just ask the clerk for a “Bartender’s Bible”. –If they’re young, and don’t know what that is, just have them look up the word of the day, “Mixologist”! You’re sure to get what you need that way!– This book will give you all the tips and tricks you need to capture yourself a cougar. Trust me, it’s served me well over the years! Just remember to practice the lessons in the book first. Cougars will make a damn fool of ya if ya don’t know what you’re doin’!

And last, but most important, you’re gonna need a ring. Somethin’ simple, like a plain band, will do. It signals to the cougar that your safe and they can let their guard down. Now, don’t go gettin’ anything real fancy or nothin’. There’s no point in that. You’d just be wastin’ your money, cause you’re not gonna need it too long. Just long enough to get within’ striking distance, is all ya need it for.

Okay! Got all your supplies? Good!

First, you have to know where to look. I find that the best place to hunt cougar is in the hills. My favorite huntin’ hills are Beverly, but if you’re not in that neck of the woods, any hills in and around a fairly large city will do. The kind of cougars we’ll be huntin’ for like to be above everyone else. Up in the good neighborhoods where there’s plenty of good stuff to eat and it’s easy to hide.

Now, you might be surprised at how many cougars you’ll find out there. But don’t go out and just start trackin’ any ol’ cougar! If you’re not careful, you might find yourself stuck with a broken-down ol’ thing with bad breath and no life in ‘er! That’s not what we’re after. We’re after a very special type of cougar. We’re after the “Golden Cougar”.

How will you know when you’ve found a golden cougar? Simple! She’ll have a good coat, nice nails, pearly-white teeth, and mischief in her eyes! At first, it may take a while to spot one. They’re pretty elusive creatures and they’re real good at hiding in plain sight thanks to their years of experience. You just have to be vigilant and keep a watchful eye.

Oh, would ya look at that! We’re out of time! But don’t worry! On our next episode, the huntin’ begins!!!

Till next time, keep reading those bibles!

Still single, and always packing a fully-loaded gun,

Scott