Lesbians Are Complicated

If I had a dime for every time I’ve heard a woman tell me “Men are assholes, I should just become a lesbian” I’d have…well, realistically I’d only have about a buck. But my response will always be the same–“Lesbian relationships are just as, if not more complicated!”

You want an example? Say you’re friends with someone. Say you and someone are staying overnight in a crowded house and you and that same someone share a bed. Voluntarily, mind you! Say that you and that someone spend some time laying in bed, cuddling up, and whispering secrets and talking about hopes for the future. Say you and that someone have a nice, comfortable evening together and all is dandy. What does it mean to you?

Chances are, if you’re two heteros of opposite sex, it means that you’re having some kind of connection and that you’re probably both thinking about getting it on. But if you’re gay? Well, then things are a bit more complicated, aren’t they? Because girls have a special role for each other, and that includes cuddling–even in the straightest of hetero friendships. Girls like to cuddle. Girls like to share secrets. Girls like to be close. So then how the hell does a lesbian know if she’s a friend of a girlfriend?!

Well there’s one easy way to tell–just wait until the next morning! Because a night of shared cuddling between two lesbians will ultimately result in someone needing to discuss what went on. And there will have to be a conversation about what it all means. And someone will have to say “we’re just friends, right?” and someone else will have to say “of course we’re just friends. I love you.” It can get very complicated for lesbians to be friends!

So, dear readers, let me make a blanket statement just to clear the air. I am not interested in bedding you. Even if I kiss you or make out with you for an hour, I’m not interested in having sex with you. If I want to screw you, you will know because I will tell you. Are we all clear on that now?

New Year, New Plan

Scott has commented on his absent co-bloggers, so I thought I’d post a little note.

There have been no new developments in my life, which is why I’ve been away. I have been focusing on investing in my friendships–after all, it’s friends who stick with you when the romantic relationships go sour. I haven’t been meeting new people, and I suppose that’s on purpose. I’m waiting until I feel a little more…marketable?…before I put myself back out there. I have a theory that you can’t be involved in a healthy relationship until you’re in a healthy state of being. So this year will be my year to get healthy and stable. To get into a place where I’m ready to settle down with someone.

But don’t think that means I’ll be staying home alone! I’m most excited about a friend’s Birthday party that will involve a whole new group of lesbians I’ve never met. Look out girls, here I come!

The Choice

I’ve been contemplating this question for awhile… Do I choose to be single?

I have had a few relationships in my life, nothing truly significant. I have looked to the relationships around me and seen disaster after disaster–I mean, my parents were never even married. I have tried to imagine the person I could share my life with, but without any success.

So I have to wonder; Do I choose to be single, or is it lack of options?

I prefer to think that being single is my choice, because it means I’m in control. I am making a choice for my life. I choose to stay single, saying that I’m not in any condition to share my life, that I’m too selfish to share my life with someone, that no one would want to marry an insufferable gal like me…the list goes on. The bottom line is, I say it’s my choice.

But now I’m beginning to wonder. As I see some of my friends’ relationships mature, and watch them having children and making lives together, I start to want all of that too. Maybe the reality is that I’m single because I’m afraid to put out the effort, or because I don’t try to meet new people. Maybe I’m single because of a lack of opportunity.

Whether by choice or not, I’m still single and increasingly unhappy about it.

Glad To Be Single

Most days I’m kind of on the fence about being single. There are things I miss about having a partner, but there are also things I’m glad to not have to deal with. Recent situations have made me realize that relationships are sooooo not all they’re cracked up to be.

Let’s see, there’s the gal who doesn’t make plans of her own because she’s hoping that her guy will ask her to do something with him. There’s the girl who puts up with a drunken boyfriend and does his bidding, fully knowing that he’s not the guy she wants to marry. Then there’s the girl who gets beat on by her boyfriend but thinks that the good outweighs the bad.

Seriously ladies?! I mean I know the pickins are slim, but isn’t it better to be single than to entirely forego a social life? Isn’t it better to do your own thing that put up with an asshole for a boyfriend? Isn’t it far far better to be alone than to be beat?!

I just don’t understand it. When I am in a relationship, it has to be a shared interest. We have to have out separate social lives, and there will definitely be clear boundaries. For example, I sure as hell am not going to let a drunk partner paw me until he pukes and passes out while I miss hanging out with my friends. And the person who lays a hand on me better have health insurance for when I break their hand.

Am I wrong here? Does a relationship really require so much compromise as to suck away pieces of one’s identity? I don’t want a relationship that makes me put my own life on hold. I don’t know where I’ll be five years from now, but I sure as hell don’t want to be regretting the things I didn’t do because a partner was demanding of me!

The New Gal In Town

Gosh, Scott, thanks for that very enlightening introduction! (It’s okay folks, he’s practically my brother. Don’t we all make small allowances for family?! 😉

So I’m here to make a proper introduction. I’m Chrissey. I’m 29 years old, educated, and like 12% of all other Oregonians, unemployed. And yes, I like chicks. Have since I was 15. Don’t get me wrong, I like guys too. They’re great for checking out girls together!

So why am I here? Well, because I am also serially single. I tend to lean toward the term Perpetually Single, though, as it alludes to the continuance of a condition, whereas serially sounds like there have been breaks in the condition of being single. Which there have not been. Not really. Because the truth is that I have been in love with the same woman for going on 6 years now, and she remains…straight. And practically married. Will this unrequited love affair be my romantic demise?

In an effort to move on with my life, I have started adventuring into the tepid waters of dating. I hate every minute of it. I hate the panic that sets in when I realize my fears of rejection. I hate sitting through insipid conversation so as not to appear rude to someone I will probably never see again. I hate dating!

Needless to say, it’s a struggle. Especially when every girl I meet can’t possibly measure up to my best friend.

Is it really beneficial?

Sabina, I feel for ya. I really do. I’ve been there, done that, and had to deal with the fall out as well. But I have to ask, since I asked myself this same question, is it really beneficial? Sure, they help you get a release that, let’s face it, is completely different then the one you can provide yourself, but do you gain anything from it? And, although we call them “friends” with benefits, are they really friends during the friends with benefits time? Or are they really just trusted living sexual aids? No more then a living dildo or a fleshy blow-up doll?

I know, that seems terribly uncaring and crude, but let’s face it, if they aren’t looked at as unfeeling sexual tools, then all you’re doing is lying to yourself and your partner(s). You’re in a full-blown adult sexual and emotional relationship! That’s just how it works. I’m not saying it’s love. It doesn’t have to be love. But the absence of love does not mean the absence of feeling and emotion. In fact, I don’t think it’s actually possible to have sex with the same person more then once without having feelings and emotions attached to that person. It’s human nature. Humans bond through shared and similarly-shared experiences. You can’t get a much more shared experience then consensual adult sex.

So I say that if you can confide in someone, look forward to being with someone, and put your trust in someone while having sex with that same someone, then you have no right to expect that person to maintain an emotional distance. It’s ludicrous! You’re defying the very definition of a friend.

You want a friend with benefits? Get a dog or a cat (the benefit is there’s none of that sexual tension, they don’t talk back, and you can lock them in a room when they get really annoying and they don’t hate you for it). You want a friend with sexual benefits, then call them what they really are, boyfriend, girlfriend, lover, whatever. Just don’t expect them to be emotionless. You’re not.

Oh, and if you can handle more then one (I know I can’t) then do that. Just make sure they know what they’re getting into.

Still single and now getting off my soapbox,

Scott

[UPDATE] Just so that everyone reading this (especially Sabina) knows, I am not condemning Sabina for any of her actions in this blog. I can’t condemn her for doing something I myself have done in the past. I was just expressing my own experience-gained opinion on the matter of friends with benefits. Sabina is a good-hearted, thoughtful, fucked-up person just like me. I love her dearly and would not want anyone reading this to think otherwise. Okay. I feel better now. S.

Does that make me the guy, then?

All of us like guys who’ll go with us (and actually enjoy) a sappy movie once in a while! I’ll even go out on a limb and say that while the manly man is physically attractive, the conversation gets boring really fast, so the sensitive guy is actually relationship material.  As long as you’re not more sensitive than we are…

But enough about Scott. Let’s talk about the female perspective. Does the fact that I hate happy endings and sappy love stories make me less of a girl? Do guys really look for the girly girl who wants true love and kids and a picket fence? Do you really feel the manly urge to help me if I stand by a car with a flat tire looking helpless? (OK, confession:  I only know how to change a tire in theory… In practice, I had to call AAA because the screw thingies were too tight.) Where does that leave the free-spirited, independent woman who does not need a man to change the light bulb or fix the sink?

I’ve always stayed clear of girly girl attitudes when I can help it (I can’t help loving shoes, it’s genetic). Lately, I’ve actually caught myself being the guy in relationships… Sex is sometimes just sex, I’m not falling for a guy suddenly just because we’ve been intimate, and I don’t get why they do… I’d rather they didn’t stay over; I have things to do… Why did you say you loved me, that wasn’t the deal?… Wait, whoa, we’re dating, when did this become a relationship?… And yes, I’m aware that any woman reading this hates me at the moment and wonders where all those men are… I don’t know! You can have them; they’re too complicated to fit into my life.  Am I the guy in those situations? Yeah, but only because we still assign gender roles.  Am I a douche-bag? Sometimes. I try not to be, but the think before you act (speak) mantra can’t seem to take hold.

The only explanation I can come up with is that somehow, people looking for relationships gravitate towards those of us who have serious commitment issues. Let’s forget about gender roles on this one. I propose a middle-ground of sorts: Don’t ever mention forever, don’t talk about the future… who knows, I might be in it for the long-haul as long as I’m not aware of it.

And yeah, on some fronts, I’m the guy… But I still prefer love stories to action films like, say, Transformers (sorry Scott).

Also still single… not too sure it’s a bad thing

Well, as Scott suggested, this singles’ blog just went international… and not so male oriented.

So, about me… Yes, I’m single. Yes, I’m over 30, and yes, I live outside the US, for now (and probably for a long time) in a huge, bustling chaos of a city that has a great nightlife, but very few interesting male prospects… or maybe I’m just being picky.

I’m not actually looking for a relationship. I haven’t looked for that in ages. I believe that things happen when they happen… and I’m probably jaded and disillusioned by now, which may or may not be the reason for the above statements. Do I date? Yeah, but the men who usually ask me on dates bore me to death. They have nothing interesting to say! It’s as if all men need to show a woman they have good incomes, good cars, good stable jobs, money, good references… So maybe some care about those things, but most of us really don’t. And what usually happens is that the bartender (who I end up talking to while my date is in the bathroom) is a passionate poet or painter who works there to make ends meet and is so much more interesting than my date. No, I’ve never actually ditched my date for the bartender, but I’ve thought about it. So here’s a tip, guys: we really don’t care about all the pull you have with your boss, your future promotion or the cash you spent on your last trip. How about just telling us something you’re really passionate about?

I’ve taken this one step further lately. When someone asks me on a date, and I don’t really know them, I always suggest really strange places to go, like lunch at a place that only makes salads to go, and just see how they deal with the fact that they won’t be able to show off their knowledge of wine and flash their gold-card. Or a strange play that makes the audience jump in all the time (and make sure we sit front and center) to see how he deals with discomfort and being pulled out of his element. Or, there’s always the local rock band playing at a bar option, which confronts him immediately to may crowd (I always go where friends are playing) and shows any and all insecurities or jealous tendencies.

Basically, as you might be able to read between the lines, I’m looking for someone passionate about something, someone who’s very versatile and can deal with surprises well, and who will not get jealous when male friends are around. It really doesn’t sound as hard as it is.

And responding to Scott’s latest post… We all look for physical attraction, it’s only natural. The question is, are you going to become one of the men who can’t get past the physical. If that’s not the case (and I don’t think it is), then you’re just a guy.

Sabina

Match Overload

Word to the wise . . . when first opening an account on an internet dating website, don’t let them find you matches from “anywhere in the world”, because they will. Then you have to be a jackass and go through dozens of women and tell them you’re not interested because they live too far away.

Still single . . . and tired of click, click, clicking of my mouse as I unceremoniously say nope, nope, not you, nope, next . . .

Scott