How Not to Get Laid…

Don’t…

…be a fatty! To get laid as a fatty you’re going to need alcohol, the ability to make people laugh, and, quite possibly, cash.

…be a pussy! No confidence in your “game”? No getting laid!

…act needy! Sure, we all have a need to connect with people, but if you can’t give them space… you’re not getting laid!

…be nice! The one’s that are nice and looking for nice aren’t going to give it up without a lot of work. If that’s what you’re looking for, then stop looking to just get laid!!!

…have a hairy chest! The only one’s that like the hairy chests are the ones that used to cuddle with one, in the middle of winter, because there was no one else around, in the 1940’s!

…EVER get duped by “verification” responses to Craigslist ads! They aren’t real! And you won’t get laid… but you will get fucked!!!

…whine about not getting laid! Whiner’s don’t get anything but more annoying! Stop it!

…act like something you’re not! Not really a stud? Stop acting like it! Not really skinny? Stop acting like it! Not really a woman? Stop hitting on me!!! You’re not getting laid!

Still single, and not getting laid!!!

Scott

P.S. writing a blog about dating does not qualify as whining!

*note: the only thing on this list that applies to women is the “hairy” entry, and even that’s questionable!

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Incommunicado: The Art of Bad Relationships

Okay, let’s be honest. How many times have you said one thing to a partner but were thinking something else? Have you ever actually had the thought, or worse, said, “Could you just wait until the [game, show, decade] is over?” during a conversation? Have you ever been accused of not listening?

I know I have. The question is why? Why aren’t we honest, upfront, and real with the partners in our lives? Is it because we get bored? Do we actually lose interest? Are we all just a bunch of douche-bag-idiots determined to screw up our own lives?

Or is it something else?

Being single, I’ve had hours to ponder this question (nothing, and no one, to do will do that to you), and I think I may have discovered a reason, or at least a reasonable excuse, as to why we do this in matters of love. It’s the act of dating, or early courtship, that screws most of us up!

Why dating? Simple. All of us manipulate ourselves to better fit our perceived ideas of what the other wants in a partner. We hide, lie, or hold back the truth about the things we don’t like about ourselves. We push the things that unite us, and stuff those that don’t in a dark closet with the rest of our secret desires, our unfulfilled wants and needs, our unmentionables. We do it easily, and often, and we call it compromise. But, in reality, what it is false advertising. It’s the human equivalent of infomercials. Sure, it slices, it dices, it squirts mustard with the push of a button, but after a year and 4 uses, will you feel it was worth it? Did you really need something that only fulfilled part of your needs? Do you miss the things you stuffed in a drawer to forget?

This is what we do people! We start off not communicating! We don’t offer-up the real me because of the fear that the other person won’t like the real me. We hide our true selves just to have parts and pieces of us loved. Sometimes we do it to just fulfill a physical need. And we do it over, and over, and over again, because we know, we just know, that no one would want the real me.

You know you do it. We all do. Even the best of us are completely screwed up. And the reality is that this unfortunate flaw is built into the very core of our being. We will never change. We will always have difficulty communicating. But it doesn’t mean we have to do it blindly. It doesn’t mean we have to hide everything. It doesn’t mean we have to be afraid of being ourselves.

It means we have to be as much of our real selves as possible. It means we have to let others be as much or their real selves as possible. It means knowing yourself. It means being honest, telling the truth, and dealing with things when they do come up in as rational a manner as possible.

It means communicating.

Still single and unable to talk to girls,

Scott

What If… The Post

Hey!! It’s the new game where I come up with random scenarios (that in no way represent me or my life) and you respond with what you would do!!! Yay!!!

So tell all your friends!! (Really, I’m not kidding! Tell them!)

Here’s the first one!

THE POST

It’s a Friday night, you’re alone, and the wine you had earlier has gone to your head (you know you shouldn’t have opened that second bottle). When suddenly, in a fit of latent sexual need and no conscience, you post an ad in the “Casual Encounters” section of Craigslist…

Then next morning, after you’ve washed away the wine-drool from last night, cleaned up the two empty bottles of wine, scrubbed away the faint red circles all over your counters, and thrown away the Taco Bell wrappers of a meal you don’t remember ever getting, you decide you had better check your email. But when you wake your computer, you find your browser still open to Craigslist, and it says…

Thank you for posting “Screw it! Screw me!!!”

“That’s right! I said it! Screw me! Yeah, I may not be in the best of shape, and I may not be the hottest thing in town, but I’m willing and available all weekend!!! So respond with a picture and let’s get it on!!!

Sincerely,

Do Me!!!”

After a few choice expletives, you check your email, and there it is, a response…

“Re: Screw it! Screw me!!!

Are you for real? Because if you are… well, here’s a picture of me. What do you think?”

You scroll down to see the picture and… wow, they’re actually cute.

What do you do?

Still single and now making shit up!!!

Scott

Huntin’ Cougar: Part 1

A huntin’ we will go! A huntin’ we will go! Heigh ho, the dairy-o, a huntin’ we will go!

That’s right, kiddies! It’s time to go cougar hunting! Now for today’s adventure, you will need to put a few extra-special items in your backpack other then your standard, fully-loaded, gun. Them cougars can be mighty wily prey!

First off, you’re going to need some new clothes! Now, nothin’ too flashy! We don’t want to scare them off, but we will need to blend in to their natural habitat. So I recommend a nice pair of trousers and a button-down shirt with the sleeves rolled up. Respectful but casual, that’s the name of the game. And you can leave those silly rubbers at home! We’re not fishin’! We’re huntin’! And cougars tend to be dry.

Next you’re gonna need what I like to call the “Cougar Huntin’ Bible”. Don’t worry, it sounds fancy, but it can be picked up in most book stores. Just ask the clerk for a “Bartender’s Bible”. –If they’re young, and don’t know what that is, just have them look up the word of the day, “Mixologist”! You’re sure to get what you need that way!– This book will give you all the tips and tricks you need to capture yourself a cougar. Trust me, it’s served me well over the years! Just remember to practice the lessons in the book first. Cougars will make a damn fool of ya if ya don’t know what you’re doin’!

And last, but most important, you’re gonna need a ring. Somethin’ simple, like a plain band, will do. It signals to the cougar that your safe and they can let their guard down. Now, don’t go gettin’ anything real fancy or nothin’. There’s no point in that. You’d just be wastin’ your money, cause you’re not gonna need it too long. Just long enough to get within’ striking distance, is all ya need it for.

Okay! Got all your supplies? Good!

First, you have to know where to look. I find that the best place to hunt cougar is in the hills. My favorite huntin’ hills are Beverly, but if you’re not in that neck of the woods, any hills in and around a fairly large city will do. The kind of cougars we’ll be huntin’ for like to be above everyone else. Up in the good neighborhoods where there’s plenty of good stuff to eat and it’s easy to hide.

Now, you might be surprised at how many cougars you’ll find out there. But don’t go out and just start trackin’ any ol’ cougar! If you’re not careful, you might find yourself stuck with a broken-down ol’ thing with bad breath and no life in ‘er! That’s not what we’re after. We’re after a very special type of cougar. We’re after the “Golden Cougar”.

How will you know when you’ve found a golden cougar? Simple! She’ll have a good coat, nice nails, pearly-white teeth, and mischief in her eyes! At first, it may take a while to spot one. They’re pretty elusive creatures and they’re real good at hiding in plain sight thanks to their years of experience. You just have to be vigilant and keep a watchful eye.

Oh, would ya look at that! We’re out of time! But don’t worry! On our next episode, the huntin’ begins!!!

Till next time, keep reading those bibles!

Still single, and always packing a fully-loaded gun,

Scott